Ulysses

    The galling chain. 
    And free our native land.

(He STAGGERS forward, dragging them with him.  Bloom stops, at fault.  The
dog APPROACHES, his tongue OUTLOLLING, panting)

Bloom:  Wildgoose chase this.  Disorderly houses.  Lord knows where they are gone.  Drunks cover distance double quick.  Nice mixup.  Scene at Westland row.  Then jump in first class with third ticket.  Then too far.  Train with engine behind.  Might have taken me to Malahide or a siding for the night or collision.  Second drink does it.  Once is a dose.  What am I following him for?  Still, he’s the best of that lot.  If I hadn’t heard about Mrs Beaufoy Purefoy I wouldn’t have gone and wouldn’t have met.  Kismet.  He’ll lose that cash.  Relieving office here.  Good biz for cheapjacks, organs.  What do ye lack?  Soon got, soon gone.  Might have lost my life too with that mangongwheeltracktrolleyglarejuggernaut only for presence of mind.  Can’t always save you, though.  If I had passed Truelock’s window that day two minutes later would have been shot.  Absence of body.  Still if bullet only went through my coat get damages for shock, five hundred pounds.  What was he?  Kildare street club toff.  God help his gamekeeper.

(He gazes ahead, reading on the wall A scrawled chalk legend Wet Dream
and A PHALLIC design.) Odd!  Molly drawing on the frosted carriagepane at
Kingstown.  What’s that like? (Gaudy DOLLWOMEN loll in the lighted
DOORWAYS, in window EMBRASURES, smoking BIRDSEYE cigarettes.  The odour of
the SICKSWEET weed floats towards him in slow round OVALLING wreaths.)

The wreaths:  Sweet are the sweets.  Sweets of sin.

Bloom:  My spine’s a bit limp.  Go or turn?  And this food?  Eat it and get all pigsticky.  Absurd I am.  Waste of money.  One and eightpence too much.  (The RETRIEVER drives A cold snivelling muzzle against his hand, wagging his tail.) Strange how they take to me.  Even that brute today.  Better speak to him first.  Like women they like RENCONTRES.  Stinks like a polecat.  CHACUN son gout.  He might be mad.  Dogdays.  Uncertain in his movements.  Good fellow!  Fido!  Good fellow!  Garryowen! (The wolfdog SPRAWLS on his back, wriggling OBSCENELY with begging paws, his long black tongue lolling out.) Influence of his surroundings.  Give and have done with it.  Provided nobody. (CALLING encouraging words he shambles back with A furtive POACHER’S tread, DOGGED by the setter into A dark STALESTUNK corner.  He UNROLLS one parcel and goes to DUMP the crubeen softly but holds back and feels the Trotter.) Sizeable for threepence.  But then I have it in my left hand.  Calls for more effort.  Why?  Smaller from want of use.  O, let it slide.  Two and six.

(With regret he lets the unrolled crubeen and Trotter slide.  The MASTIFF
MAULS the bundle CLUMSILY and GLUTS himself with growling greed,
crunching the bones.  Two raincaped watch approach, silent, vigilant.  They
murmur together.)

The watch:  Bloom.  Of Bloom.  For Bloom.  Bloom.

(Each lays hand on Bloom’s shoulder.)

First watch:  Caught in the act.  Commit no nuisance.

Bloom:  (STAMMERS) I am doing good to others.

(A covey of gulls, storm PETRELS, rises hungrily from Liffey slime with
Banbury cakes in their BEAKS.)

The gulls:  Kaw kave kankury kake.

Bloom:  The friend of man.  Trained by kindness.

(He points.  Bob Doran, toppling from A high BARSTOOL, SWAYS over the
MUNCHING SPANIEL.)

Bob Doran:  Towser.  Give us the paw.  Give the paw.

(The bulldog growls, his scruff standing, A GOBBET of pig’s knuckle
between his MOLARS through which RABID SCUMSPITTLE dribbles.  Bob Doran
fills silently into an area.)

Second watch:  Prevention of cruelty to animals.

Bloom:  (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) A noble work!  I scolded that tramdriver on
Harold’s cross bridge for illusing the poor horse with his harness scab. 
Bad French I got for my pains.  Of course it was frosty and the last tram. 
All tales of circus life are highly demoralising.

(SIGNOR MAFFEI, PASSIONPALE, in LIONTAMER’S costume with diamond STUDS in
his SHIRTFRONT, steps forward, holding A circus PAPERHOOP, A curling
carriagewhip and A revolver with which he covers the GORGING BOARHOUND.)

SIGNOR MAFFEI:  (With A sinister smile) Ladies and gentlemen, my educated greyhound.  It was I broke in the bucking broncho Ajax with my patent spiked saddle for carnivores.  Lash under the belly with a knotted thong.  Block tackle and a strangling pulley will bring your lion to heel, no matter how fractious, even Leo FEROX there, the Libyan maneater.  A redhot crowbar and some liniment rubbing on the burning part produced Fritz of Amsterdam, the thinking hyena. (He GLARES) I possess the Indian sign.  The glint of my eye does it with these breastsparklers. (With A BEWITCHING smile) I now introduce Mademoiselle Ruby, the pride of the ring.

First watch:  Come.  Name and address.

Bloom:  I have forgotten for the moment.  Ah, yes! (He takes off his high grade hat, saluting) Dr Bloom, Leopold, dental surgeon.  You have heard of von Blum Pasha.  Umpteen millions.  DONNERWETTER!  Owns half Austria.  Egypt.  Cousin.

First watch:  Proof.

(A card falls from inside the leather headband of Bloom’s hat.)

Bloom:  (In red fez, CADI’S dress coat with broad green sash, wearing A
false badge of the legion of honour, picks up the card hastily and offers
it) Allow me.  My club is the Junior Army and Navy.  Solicitors:  Messrs
John Henry Menton, 27 Bachelor’s Walk.

First watch:  (Reads) Henry Flower.  No fixed abode.  Unlawfully watching and besetting.

Second watch:  An alibi.  You are cautioned.

Bloom:  (PRODUCES from his HEARTPOCKET A crumpled yellow flower) This is the flower in question.  It was given me by a man I don’t know his name.  (PLAUSIBLY) You know that old joke, rose of Castile.  Bloom.  The change of name.  Virag. (He MURMURS PRIVATELY and CONFIDENTIALLY) We are engaged you see, sergeant.  Lady in the case.  Love entanglement. (He shoulders the second watch gently) Dash it all.  It’s a way we gallants have in the navy.  Uniform that does it. (He turns gravely to the first watch) Still, of course, you do get your Waterloo sometimes.  Drop in some evening and have a glass of old Burgundy. (To the second watch gaily) I’ll introduce you, inspector.  She’s game.  Do it in the shake of a lamb’s tail.

(A dark MERCURIALISED face appears, leading A veiled figure.)

The dark MERCURY:  The Castle is looking for him.  He was drummed out of the army.

Martha:  (THICKVEILED, A crimson HALTER round her neck, A copy of the Irish Times in her hand, in tone of reproach, pointing) Henry!  Leopold!  Lionel, thou lost one!  Clear my name.

First watch:  (STERNLY) Come to the station.

Bloom:  (SCARED, hats himself, steps back, then, plucking at his heart and lifting his right forearm on the square, he gives the sign and DUEGUARD of FELLOWCRAFT) No, no, worshipful master, light of love.  Mistaken identity.  The Lyons mail.  Lesurques and Dubosc.  You remember the Childs fratricide case.  We medical men.  By striking him dead with a hatchet.  I am wrongfully accused.  Better one guilty escape than ninetynine wrongfully condemned.

Martha:  (SOBBING behind her veil) Breach of promise.  My real name is Peggy Griffin.  He wrote to me that he was miserable.  I’ll tell my brother, the Bective rugger fullback, on you, heartless flirt.

Bloom:  (Behind his hand) She’s drunk.  The woman is inebriated. (He MURMURS VAGUELY the pass of Ephraim) Shitbroleeth.

Second watch:  (Tears in his eyes, to bloom) You ought to be thoroughly well ashamed of yourself.

Bloom:  Gentlemen of the jury, let me explain.  A pure mare’s nest.  I am a man misunderstood.  I am being made a scapegoat of.  I am a respectable married man, without a stain on my character.  I live in Eccles street.  My wife, I am the daughter of a most distinguished commander, a gallant upstanding gentleman, what do you call him, Majorgeneral Brian Tweedy, one of Britain’s fighting men who helped to win our battles.  Got his majority for the heroic defence of Rorke’s Drift.

First watch:  Regiment.

Bloom:  (Turns to the gallery) The royal Dublins, boys, the salt of the earth, known the world over.  I think I see some old comrades in arms up there among you.  The R. D. F., with our own Metropolitan police, guardians of our homes, the pluckiest lads and the finest body of men, as physique, in the service of our sovereign.

A voice:  Turncoat!  Up the Boers!  Who booed Joe Chamberlain?

Bloom:  (His hand on the shoulder of the first watch) My old dad too was a J. P. I’m as staunch a Britisher as you are, sir.  I fought with the colours for king and country in the absentminded war under general Gough in the park and was disabled at Spion Kop and Bloemfontein, was mentioned in dispatches.  I did all a white man could. (With quiet feeling) Jim Bludso.  Hold her nozzle again the bank.

First watch:  Profession or trade.

Bloom:  Well, I follow a literary occupation, author-journalist.  In fact we are just bringing out a collection of prize stories of which I am the inventor, something that is an entirely new departure.  I am connected with the British and Irish press.  If you ring up …

(Myles Crawford strides out jerkily, A Quill between his teeth.  His scarlet BEAK blazes within the AUREOLE of his straw hat.  He DANGLES A HANK of Spanish onions in one hand and holds with the other hand A telephone receiver nozzle to his ear.)

Myles Crawford:  (His cock’s wattles wagging) Hello, seventyseven eightfour.  Hello.  FREEMAN’S urinal and weekly ARSEWIPE here.  Paralyse Europe.  You which?  Bluebags?  Who writes?  Is it Bloom?

(Mr Philip Beaufoy, PALEFACED, stands in the witnessbox, in accurate morning dress, OUTBREAST pocket with peak of handkerchief showing, creased lavender trousers and patent boots.  He carries A large portfolio labelled Matcham’s Masterstrokes.)

Beaufoy:  (DRAWLS) No, you aren’t.  Not by a long shot if I know it.  I don’t see it that’s all.  No born gentleman, no-one with the most rudimentary promptings of a gentleman would stoop to such particularly loathsome conduct.  One of those, my lord.  A plagiarist.  A soapy sneak masquerading as a litterateur.  It’s perfectly obvious that with the most inherent baseness he has cribbed some of my bestselling copy, really gorgeous stuff, a perfect gem, the love passages in which are beneath suspicion.  The Beaufoy books of love and great possessions, with which your lordship is doubtless familiar, are a household word throughout the kingdom.

Bloom:  (MURMURS with HANGDOG MEEKNESS glum) That bit about the laughing witch hand in hand I take exception to, if I may …

Beaufoy:  (His lip UPCURLED, smiles SUPERCILIOUSLY on the court) You funny ass, you!  You’re too beastly awfully weird for words!  I don’t think you need over excessively disincommodate yourself in that regard.  My literary agent Mr J. B. Pinker is in attendance.  I presume, my lord, we shall receive the usual witnesses’ fees, shan’t we?  We are considerably out of pocket over this bally pressman johnny, this jackdaw of Rheims, who has not even been to a university.

Bloom:  (INDISTINCTLY) University of life.  Bad art.

Beaufoy:  (Shouts) It’s a damnably foul lie, showing the moral rottenness of the man! (He extends his portfolio) We have here damning evidence, the corpus DELICTI, my lord, a specimen of my maturer work disfigured by the hallmark of the beast.

A voice from the gallery: 

    Moses, Moses, king of the jews,
    Wiped his arse in the Daily News.

Bloom:  (Bravely) Overdrawn.

Beaufoy:  You low cad!  You ought to be ducked in the horsepond, you rotter! (To the court) Why, look at the man’s private life!  Leading a quadruple existence!  Street angel and house devil.  Not fit to be mentioned in mixed society!  The archconspirator of the age!

Bloom:  (To the court) And he, a bachelor, how …

First watch:  The King versus Bloom.  Call the woman Driscoll.

The CRIER:  Mary Driscoll, scullerymaid!

(Mary Driscoll, A SLIPSHOD servant girl, APPROACHES.  She has A bucket on
the CROOK of her arm and A scouringbrush in her hand.)

Second watch:  Another!  Are you of the unfortunate class?

Mary Driscoll:  (INDIGNANTLY) I’m not a bad one.  I bear a respectable character and was four months in my last place.  I was in a situation, six pounds a year and my chances with Fridays out and I had to leave owing to his carryings on.

First watch:  What do you tax him with?

Mary Driscoll:  He made a certain suggestion but I thought more of myself as poor as I am.

Bloom:  (In HOUSEJACKET of RIPPLECLOTH, flannel trousers, HEELLESS slippers, unshaven, his hair rumpled:  Softly) I treated you white.  I gave you mementos, smart emerald garters far above your station.  Incautiously I took your part when you were accused of pilfering.  There’s a medium in all things.  Play cricket.

Mary Driscoll:  (EXCITEDLY) As God is looking down on me this night if ever I laid a hand to them oysters!

First watch:  The offence complained of?  Did something happen?

Mary Driscoll:  He surprised me in the rere of the premises, Your honour, when the missus was out shopping one morning with a request for a safety pin.  He held me and I was discoloured in four places as a result.  And he interfered twict with my clothing.

Bloom:  She counterassaulted.

Mary Driscoll:  (SCORNFULLY) I had more respect for the scouringbrush, so I had.  I remonstrated with him, Your lord, and he remarked:  keep it quiet.

(General laughter.)

George Fottrell:  (Clerk of the crown and peace, RESONANTLY) Order in court!  The accused will now make a bogus statement.

(Bloom, pleading not guilty and holding A FULLBLOWN WATERLILY, begins A
long UNINTELLIGIBLE speech.  They would hear what counsel had to say in
his stirring address to the grand jury.  He was down and out but, though
branded as A black sheep, if he might say so, he meant to reform, to
retrieve the memory of the past in A purely SISTERLY way and return to
nature as A purely domestic animal.  A SEVENMONTHS’ child, he had been
carefully brought up and NURTURED by an aged BEDRIDDEN parent.  There
might have been lapses of an erring father but he wanted to turn over A
new leaf and now, when at long last in sight of the whipping post, to
lead A homely life in the evening of his days, PERMEATED by the
affectionate surroundings of the heaving bosom of the family.  An
Acclimatised Britisher, he had seen that summer eve from the FOOTPLATE of
an engine cab of the loop line railway company while the rain refrained
from falling glimpses, as it were, through the windows of LOVEFUL
HOUSEHOLDS in Dublin city and URBAN district of scenes truly rural of
happiness of the better land with Dockrell’s wallpaper at one and
ninepence A dozen, innocent BRITISHBORN bairns LISPING prayers to the
sacred infant, youthful scholars GRAPPLING with their PENSUMS or model
young ladies playing on the PIANOFORTE or anon all with fervour reciting
the family rosary round the crackling YULELOG while in the BOREENS and
green LANES the COLLEENS with their SWAINS strolled what times the
strains of the ORGANTONED melodeon BRITANNIA METALBOUND with four acting
stops and TWELVEFOLD bellows, A sacrifice, greatest bargain ever...)

(RENEWED laughter.  He MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY.  REPORTERS complain that they
cannot hear.)

LONGHAND and SHORTHAND:  (Without looking up from their NOTEBOOKS) Loosen his boots.

Professor MACHUGH:  (From the PRESSTABLE, coughs and calls) Cough it up, man.  Get it out in bits.

(The CROSSEXAMINATION proceeds re bloom and the bucket.  A large bucket. 
Bloom himself.  BOWEL trouble.  In beaver street gripe, yes.  Quite bad.  A
PLASTERER’S bucket.  By walking STIFFLEGGED. SUFFERED UNTOLD misery. 
DEADLY agony.  About noon.  Love or burgundy.  Yes, some spinach.  CRUCIAL
moment.  He did not look in the bucket nobody.  Rather A mess.  Not
completely.  A Titbits back number.)

(UPROAR and CATCALLS.  Bloom in A torn frockcoat stained with WHITEWASH, dinged silk hat sideways on his head, A strip of STICKINGPLASTER across his nose, talks INAUDIBLY.)

J. J. O’MOLLOY:  (In BARRISTER’S grey WIG and STUFFGOWN, speaking with A voice of PAINED protest) This is no place for indecent levity at the expense of an erring mortal disguised in liquor.  We are not in a beargarden nor at an Oxford rag nor is this a travesty of justice.  My client is an infant, a poor foreign immigrant who started scratch as a stowaway and is now trying to turn an honest penny.  The trumped up misdemeanour was due to a momentary aberration of heredity, brought on by hallucination, such familiarities as the alleged guilty occurrence being quite permitted in my client’s native place, the land of the Pharaoh.  PRIMA FACIE, I put it to you that there was no attempt at carnally knowing.  Intimacy did not occur and the offence complained of by Driscoll, that her virtue was solicited, was not repeated.  I would deal in especial with atavism.  There have been cases of shipwreck and somnambulism in my client’s family.  If the accused could speak he could a tale unfold—­one of the strangest that have ever been narrated between the covers of a book.  He himself, my lord, is a physical wreck from cobbler’s weak chest.  His submission is that he is of Mongolian extraction and irresponsible for his actions.  Not all there, in fact.

Bloom:  (BAREFOOT, PIGEONBREASTED, in LASCAR’S vest and trousers,
apologetic toes turned in, OPENS his tiny MOLE’S eyes and looks about him
DAZEDLY, passing A slow hand across his forehead.  Then he HITCHES his
belt sailor fashion and with A SHRUG of oriental obeisance salutes the
court, pointing one thumb HEAVENWARD.) Him makee velly muchee fine night. 
(He begins to lilt simply)

    Li li poo lil chile
    Blingee pigfoot evly night
    Payee two shilly …

(He is howled down.)

J. J. O’MOLLOY:  (HOTLY to the populace) This is a lonehand fight.  By Hades, I will not have any client of mine gagged and badgered in this fashion by a pack of curs and laughing hyenas.  The Mosaic code has superseded the law of the jungle.  I say it and I say it emphatically, without wishing for one moment to defeat the ends of justice, accused was not accessory before the act and prosecutrix has not been tampered with.  The young person was treated by defendant as if she were his very own daughter. (Bloom takes J. J. O’MOLLOY’S hand and RAISES it to his lips.) I shall call rebutting evidence to prove up to the hilt that the hidden hand is again at its old game.  When in doubt persecute Bloom.  My client, an innately bashful man, would be the last man in the world to do anything ungentlemanly which injured modesty could object to or cast a stone at a girl who took the wrong turning when some dastard, responsible for her condition, had worked his own sweet will on her.  He wants to go straight.  I regard him as the whitest man I know.  He is down on his luck at present owing to the mortgaging of his extensive property at Agendath Netaim in faraway Asia Minor, slides of which will now be shown. (To bloom) I suggest that you will do the handsome thing.

Bloom:  A penny in the pound.

(The image of the lake of Kinnereth with blurred cattle cropping in
silver HAZE is projected on the wall.  Moses Dlugacz, ferreteyed ALBINO,
in blue dungarees, stands up in the gallery, holding in each hand an
orange Citron and A pork kidney.)

Dlugacz:  (Hoarsely) Bleibtreustrasse, Berlin, W.13.

(J.  J. O’MOLLOY steps on to A low plinth and holds the LAPEL of his coat
with solemnity.  His face LENGTHENS, grows pale and bearded, with sunken
eyes, the BLOTCHES of phthisis and hectic CHEEKBONES of John F. Taylor. 
He applies his handkerchief to his mouth and SCRUTINISES the galloping
tide of rosepink blood.)

J.J.O’MOLLOY:  (Almost VOICELESSLY) Excuse me.  I am suffering from a severe chill, have recently come from a sickbed.  A few wellchosen words.  (He ASSUMES the avine head, foxy moustache and PROBOSCIDAL eloquence of Seymour Bushe.) When the angel’s book comes to be opened if aught that the pensive bosom has inaugurated of soultransfigured and of soultransfiguring deserves to live I say accord the prisoner at the bar the sacred benefit of the doubt. (A paper with something written on it is handed into court.)

Bloom:  (In court dress) Can give best references.  Messrs Callan, Coleman.  Mr Wisdom Hely J. P. My old chief Joe Cuffe.  Mr V. B. Dillon, ex lord mayor of Dublin.  I have moved in the charmed circle of the highest …  Queens of Dublin society. (CARELESSLY) I was just chatting this afternoon at the viceregal lodge to my old pals, sir Robert and lady Ball, astronomer royal at the levee.  Sir Bob, I said …

Mrs YELVERTON BARRY:  (In LOWCORSAGED opal BALLDRESS and ELBOWLENGTH ivory gloves, wearing A SABLETRIMMED BRICKQUILTED DOLMAN, A comb of BRILLIANTS and PANACHE of OSPREY in her hair) Arrest him, constable.  He wrote me an anonymous letter in prentice backhand when my husband was in the North Riding of Tipperary on the Munster circuit, signed James Lovebirch.  He said that he had seen from the gods my peerless globes as I sat in a box of the theatre royal at a command performance of la CIGALE.  I deeply inflamed him, he said.  He made improper overtures to me to misconduct myself at half past four p.m. on the following Thursday, Dunsink time.  He offered to send me through the post a work of fiction by Monsieur Paul de Kock, entitled the girl with the three pairs of stays.

Mrs Bellingham:  (In cap and seal Coney mantle, wrapped up to the nose, steps out of her BROUGHAM and SCANS through tortoiseshell quizzing-glasses which she takes from inside her huge OPOSSUM muff) Also to me.  Yes, I believe it is the same objectionable person.  Because he closed my carriage door outside sir Thornley Stoker’s one sleety day during the cold snap of February ninetythree when even the grid of the wastepipe and the ballstop in my bath cistern were frozen.  Subsequently he enclosed a bloom of edelweiss culled on the heights, as he said, in my honour.  I had it examined by a botanical expert and elicited the information that it was ablossom of the homegrown potato plant purloined from a forcingcase of the model farm.

Mrs YELVERTON BARRY:  Shame on him!

(A crowd of sluts and ragamuffins SURGES forward)

The sluts and ragamuffins:  (SCREAMING) Stop thief!  Hurrah there,
Bluebeard!  Three cheers for Ikey Mo!

Second watch:  (PRODUCES HANDCUFFS) Here are the darbies.

Mrs Bellingham:  He addressed me in several handwritings with fulsome compliments as a Venus in furs and alleged profound pity for my frostbound coachman Palmer while in the same breath he expressed himself as envious of his earflaps and fleecy sheepskins and of his fortunate proximity to my person, when standing behind my chair wearing my livery and the armorial bearings of the Bellingham escutcheon garnished sable, a buck’s head couped or.  He lauded almost extravagantly my nether extremities, my swelling calves in silk hose drawn up to the limit, and eulogised glowingly my other hidden treasures in priceless lace which, he said, he could conjure up.  He urged me (stating that he felt it his mission in life to urge me) to defile the marriage bed, to commit adultery at the earliest possible opportunity.

The honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys:  (In AMAZON costume, hard hat, JACKBOOTS COCKSPURRED, vermilion waistcoat, fawn MUSKETEER GAUNTLETS with braided drums, long train held up and hunting crop with which she strikes her welt constantly) Also me.  Because he saw me on the polo ground of the Phoenix park at the match All Ireland versus the Rest of Ireland.  My eyes, I know, shone divinely as I watched Captain Slogger Dennehy of the Inniskillings win the final chukkar on his darling cob CENTAUR.  This plebeian Don Juan observed me from behind a hackney car and sent me in double envelopes an obscene photograph, such as are sold after dark on Paris boulevards, insulting to any lady.  I have it still.  It represents a partially nude senorita, frail and lovely (his wife, as he solemnly assured me, taken by him from nature), practising illicit intercourse with a muscular torero, evidently a blackguard.  He urged me to do likewise, to misbehave, to sin with officers of the garrison.  He implored me to soil his letter in an unspeakable manner, to chastise him as he richly deserves, to bestride and ride him, to give him a most vicious horsewhipping.

Mrs Bellingham:  Me too.

Mrs YELVERTON BARRY:  Me too.

(SEVERAL highly respectable Dublin ladies hold up improper letters
received from bloom.)

The honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys:  (Stamps her jingling spurs in A sudden PAROXYSM of fury) I will, by the God above me.  I’ll scourge the pigeonlivered cur as long as I can stand over him.  I’ll flay him alive.

Bloom:  (His eyes closing, QUAILS EXPECTANTLY) Here? (He SQUIRMS) Again! 
(He pants cringing) I love the danger.

The honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys:  Very much so!  I’ll make it hot for you.  I’ll make you dance Jack Latten for that.

Mrs Bellingham:  Tan his breech well, the upstart!  Write the stars and stripes on it!

Mrs YELVERTON BARRY:  Disgraceful!  There’s no excuse for him!  A married man!

Bloom:  All these people.  I meant only the spanking idea.  A warm tingling glow without effusion.  Refined birching to stimulate the circulation.

The honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys:  (LAUGHS DERISIVELY) O, did you, my fine fellow?  Well, by the living God, you’ll get the surprise of your life now, believe me, the most unmerciful hiding a man ever bargained for.  You have lashed the dormant tigress in my nature into fury.

Mrs Bellingham:  (Shakes her muff and quizzing-glasses VINDICTIVELY) Make him smart, Hanna dear.  Give him ginger.  Thrash the mongrel within an inch of his life.  The cat-o’-nine-tails.  Geld him.  Vivisect him.

Bloom:  (SHUDDERING, shrinking, JOINS his hands:  With HANGDOG mien) O cold!  O shivery!  It was your ambrosial beauty.  Forget, forgive.  Kismet.  Let me off this once. (He offers the other cheek)

Mrs YELVERTON BARRY:  (SEVERELY) Don’t do so on any account, Mrs Talboys!  He should be soundly trounced!

The honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys:  (UNBUTTONING her gauntlet violently) I’ll do no such thing.  Pigdog and always was ever since he was pupped!  To dare address me!  I’ll flog him black and blue in the public streets.  I’ll dig my spurs in him up to the rowel.  He is a wellknown cuckold. (She SWISHES her HUNTINGCROP SAVAGELY in the air) Take down his trousers without loss of time.  Come here, sir!  Quick!  Ready?

Bloom:  (TREMBLING, beginning to obey) The weather has been so warm.

(Davy Stephens, RINGLETTED, passes with A bevy of barefoot newsboys.)

Davy Stephens:  Messenger of the sacred heart and evening telegraph with Saint Patrick’s Day supplement.  Containing the new addresses of all the cuckolds in Dublin.

(The very reverend canon O’HANLON in cloth of gold cope ELEVATES and EXPOSES A marble timepiece.  Before him father Conroy and the reverend John Hughes S.J.  Bend low.)