Tono Bungay

It illustrates the romantic element in modern commerce that my uncle met young Moggs at a city dinner—­I think it was the Bottle-makers’ Company—­when both were some way advanced beyond the initial sobriety of the occasion.  This was the grandson of the original Moggs, and a very typical instance of an educated, cultivated, degenerate plutocrat.  His people had taken him about in his youth as the Ruskins took their John and fostered a passion for history in him, and the actual management of the Moggs’ industry had devolved upon a cousin and a junior partner.

Mr. Moggs, being of a studious and refined disposition, had just decided—­after a careful search for a congenial subject in which he would not be constant]y reminded of soap—­to devote himself to the History of the Thebaid, when this cousin died suddenly and precipitated responsibilities upon him.  In the frankness of conviviality, Moggs bewailed the uncongenial task thus thrust into his hands, and my uncle offered to lighten his burden by a partnership then and there.  They even got to terms—­extremely muzzy terms, but terms nevertheless.

Each gentleman wrote the name and address of the other on his cuff, and they separated in a mood of brotherly carelessness, and next morning neither seems to have thought to rescue his shirt from the wash until it was too late.  My uncle made a painful struggle—­it was one of my business mornings—­to recall name and particulars.

“He was an aquarium-faced, long, blond sort of chap, George, with glasses and a genteel accent,” he said.

I was puzzled.  “Aquarium-faced?”

“You know how they look at you.  His stuff was soap, I’m pretty nearly certain.  And he had a name—­And the thing was the straightest Bit-of-All-right you ever.  I was clear enough to spot that…”

We went out at last with knitted brows, and wandered up into Finsbury seeking a good, well-stocked looking grocer.  We called first on a chemist for a pick-me-up for my uncle, and then we found the shop we needed.

“I want,” said my uncle, “half a pound of every sort of soap you got.  Yes, I want to take them now.  Wait a moment, George….  Now what sort of soap d’you call that?”

At the third repetition of that question the young man said, “Moggs’ Domestic.”

“Right,” said my uncle.  “You needn’t guess again.  Come along, George, let’s go to a telephone and get on to Moggs.  Oh—­the order?  Certainly.  I confirm it.  Send it all—­send it all to the Bishop of London; he’ll have some good use for it—­(First-rate man, George, he is—­charities and all that)—­and put it down to me, here’s a card—­Ponderevo—­Tono-Bungay.”

Then we went on to Moggs and found him in a camel-hair dressing-jacket in a luxurious bed, drinking China tea, and got the shape of everything but the figures fixed by lunch time.

Young Moggs enlarged my mind considerably; he was a sort of thing I hadn’t met before; he seemed quite clean and well-informed and he assured me to never read newspapers nor used soap in any form at all, “Delicate skin,” he said.

“No objection to our advertising you wide and free?” said my uncle.

“I draw the line at railway stations,” said Moggs, “south-coast cliffs, theatre programmes, books by me and poetry generally—­scenery—­oh!—­and the Mercure de France.”

“We’ll get along,” said my uncle.

“So long as you don’t annoy me,” said Moggs, lighting a cigarette, “you can make me as rich as you like.”

We certainly made him no poorer.  His was the first firm that was advertised by a circumstantial history; we even got to illustrated magazine articles telling of the quaint past of Moggs.  We concocted Moggsiana.  Trusting to our partner’s preoccupation with the uncommercial aspects of life, we gave graceful history—­of Moggs the First, Moggs the Second, Moggs the Third, and Moggs the Fourth.  You must, unless you are very young, remember some of them and our admirable block of a Georgian shop window.  My uncle brought early nineteenth-century memoirs, soaked himself in the style, and devised stories about old Moggs the First and the Duke of Wellington, George the Third and the soap dealer (“almost certainly old Moggs”).  Very soon we had added to the original Moggs’ Primrose several varieties of scented and superfatted, a “special nurseries used in the household of the Duke of Kent and for the old Queen in Infancy,” a plate powder, “the Paragon,” and a knife powder.  We roped in a good little second-rate black-lead firm, and carried their origins back into the mists of antiquity.  It was my uncle’s own unaided idea that we should associate that commodity with the Black Prince.  He became industriously curious about the past of black-lead.  I remember his button-holing the president of the Pepys Society.

“I say, is there any black-lead in Pepys?  You know —­black-lead—­for grates!  Or does he pass it over as A matter of course?”

He became in those days the terror of eminent historians.  “Don’t want your drum and trumpet history—­no fear,” he used to say.  “Don’t want to know who was who’s mistress, and why so-and-so devastated such a province; that’s bound to be all lies and upsy-down anyhow.  Not my affair.  Nobody’s affair now.  Chaps who did it didn’t clearly know….  What I want to know is, in the Middle Ages, did they do anything for Housemaid’s Knee?  What did they put in their hot baths after jousting, and was the Black Prince—­you know the Black Prince—­was he enameled or painted, or what?  I think myself, black-leaded—­very likely—­like pipe-clay—­but did they use blacking so early?”

So it came about that in designing and writing those Moggs’ Soap Advertisements, that wrought a revolution in that department of literature, my uncle was brought to realise not only the lost history, but also the enormous field for invention and enterprise that lurked among the little articles, the dustpans and mincers, the mousetraps and carpet-sweepers that fringe the shops of the oilman and domestic ironmonger.  He was recalled to one of the dreams of his youth, to his conception of the Ponderevo Patent Flat that had been in his mind so early as the days before I went to serve him at Wimblehurst.  “The Home, George,” he said, “wants straightening up.  Silly muddle!  Things that get in the way.  Got to organise it.”

For a time he displayed something like the zeal of a genuine social reformer in relation to these matters.

“We’ve got to bring the Home Up to Date?  That’s my idee, George.  We got to make a civilised domestic machine out of these relics of barbarism.  I’m going to hunt up inventors, make a corner in d’mestic ideas.  Everything.  Balls of string that won’t dissolve into a tangle, and gum that won’t dry into horn.  See?  Then after conveniences—­beauty.  Beauty, George!  All these few things ought to be made fit to look at; it’s your aunt’s idea, that.  Beautiful jam-pots!  Get one of those new art chaps to design all the things they make ugly now.  Patent carpet-sweepers by these greenwood chaps, housemaid’s boxes it’ll be a pleasure to fall over—­rich coloured house-flannels.  Zzzz.  Pails, f’rinstance.  Hang ’em up on the walls like warming-pans.  All the polishes and things in such tins—­you’ll want to cuddle ’em, George!  See the notion?  ’Sted of all the silly ugly things we got.”...

We had some magnificent visions; they so affected me that when I passed ironmongers and oil-shops they seemed to me as full of promise as trees in late winter, flushed with the effort to burst into leaf and flower….  And really we did do much towards that very brightness these shops display.  They were dingy things in the eighties compared to what our efforts have made them now, grey quiet displays.

Well, I don’t intend to write down here the tortuous financial history of Moggs’ Limited, which was our first development of Moggs and Sons; nor will I tell very much of how from that we spread ourselves with a larger and larger conception throughout the chandlery and minor ironmongery, how we became agents for this little commodity, partners in that, got a tentacle round the neck of a specialised manufacturer or so, secured a pull upon this or that supply of raw material, and so prepared the way for our second flotation, Domestic Utilities; “Do it,” they reordered it in the city.  And then came the reconstruction of Tono-Bungay, and then “Household services” and the Boom!

That sort of development is not to he told in detail in a novel.  I have, indeed, told much of it elsewhere.  It is to be found set out at length, painfully at length, in my uncle’s examination and mine in the bankruptcy proceedings, and in my own various statements after his death.  Some people know everything in that story, some know it all too well, most do not want the details. it is the story of a man of imagination among figures, and unless you are prepared to collate columns of pounds, shillings and pence, compare dates and check additions, you will find it very unmeaning and perplexing.  And after all, you wouldn’t find the early figures so much wrong as strained. In the matter of Moggs and Do Ut, as in the first Tono-Bungay promotion and in its reconstruction, we left the court by city standards without a stain on our characters.  The great amalgamation of Household Services was my uncle’s first really big-scale enterprise and his first display of bolder methods:  for this we bought back Do Ut, Moggs (going strong with a seven per cent. dividend) and acquired Skinnerton’s polishes, the Riffleshaw properties and the Runcorn’s mincer and coffee-mill business.  To that Amalgamation I was really not a party; I left it to my uncle because I was then beginning to get keen upon the soaring experiments I had taken on from the results then to hand of Lilienthal, Pilcher and the Wright brothers.  I was developing a glider into a flyer.  I meant to apply power to this glider as soon as I could work out one or two residual problems affecting the longitudinal stability.  I knew that I had a sufficiently light motor in my own modification of Bridger’s light turbine, but I knew too that until I had cured my aeroplane of a tendency demanding constant alertness from me, a tendency to jerk up its nose at unexpected moments and slide back upon me, the application of an engine would be little short of suicide.

But that I will tell about later.  The point I was coming to was that I did not realise until after the crash how recklessly my uncle had kept his promise of paying a dividend of over eight per cent. on the ordinary shares of that hugely over-capitalised enterprise, Household Services.

I drifted out of business affairs into my research much more than either I or my uncle had contemplated.  Finance was much less to my taste than the organisation of the Tono-Bungay factory.  In the new field of enterprise there was a great deal of bluffing and gambling, of taking chances and concealing material facts—­and these are hateful things to the scientific type of mind.  It wasn’t fear I felt so much as an uneasy inaccuracy.  I didn’t realise dangers, I simply disliked the sloppy, relaxing quality of this new sort of work.  I was at last constantly making excuses not to come up to him in London.  The latter part of his business career recedes therefore beyond the circle of any particular life.  I lived more or less with him; I talked, I advised, I helped him at times to fight his Sunday crowd at Crest Hill, but I did not follow nor guide him.  From the Do Ut time onward he rushed up the financial world like a bubble in water and left me like some busy water-thing down below in the deeps.

Anyhow, he was an immense success.  The public was, I think, particularly attracted by the homely familiarity of his field of work—­you never lost sight of your investment they felt, with the name on the house-flannel and shaving-strop—­and its allegiance was secured by the Egyptian solidity of his apparent results.  Tono-Bungay, after its reconstruction, paid thirteen, Moggs seven, Domestic Utilities had been a safe-looking nine; here was Household Services with eight; on such a showing he had merely to buy and sell Roeburn’s Antiseptic fluid, Razor soaks and Bath crystals in three weeks to clear twenty thousand pounds.

I do think that as a matter of fact Roeburn’s was good value at the price at which he gave it to the public, at least until it was strained by ill-conserved advertisement.  It was a period of expansion and confidence; much money was seeking investment and “Industrials” were the fashion.  Prices were rising all round.  There remained little more for my uncle to do therefore, in his climb to the high unstable crest of Financial Greatness but, as he said, to “grasp the cosmic oyster, George, while it gaped,” which, being translated, meant for him to buy respectable businesses confidently and courageously at the vendor’s estimate, add thirty or forty thousand to the price and sell them again.  His sole difficulty indeed was the tactful management of the load of shares that each of these transactions left upon his hands.  But I thought so little of these later things that I never fully appreciated the peculiar inconveniences of that until it was too late to help him.