Tono Bungay

I seem to remember very quick changes of mind after that lunch.  The muzzy exaltation of the unaccustomed stimulants gave way very rapidly to a model of pellucid and impartial clairvoyance which is one of my habitual mental states.  It is intermittent; it leaves me for weeks together, I know, but back it comes at last like justice on circuit, and calls up all my impression, all my illusions, all my willful and passionate proceedings.  We came downstairs again into that inner room which pretended to be a scientific laboratory through its high glass lights, and indeed was a lurking place.  My uncle pressed a cigarette on me, and I took it and stood before the empty fireplace while he propped his umbrella in the corner, deposited the new silk hat that was a little too big for him on the table, blew copiously and produced a second cigar.

It came into my head that he had shrunken very much in size since the Wimblehurst days, that the cannon ball he had swallowed was rather more evident and shameless than it had been, his skin less fresh and the nose between his glasses, which still didn’t quite fit, much redder.  And just then he seemed much laxer in his muscles and not quite as alertly quick in his movements.  But he evidently wasn’t aware of the degenerative nature of his changes as he sat there, looking suddenly quite little under my eyes.

“Well, George!” he said, quite happily unconscious of my silent criticism, “what do you think of it all?”

“Well,” I said, “in the first place—­it’s a damned swindle!”

“Tut! tut!” said my uncle.  “It’s as straight as—­ It’s fair trading!”

“So much the worse for trading,” I said.

“It’s the sort of thing everybody does.  After all, there’s no harm in the stuff—­and it may do good.  It might do a lot of good—­giving people confidence, f’rinstance, against an epidemic.

See?  Why not? don’t see where your swindle comes in.”

“H’m,” I said.  “It’s a thing you either see or don’t see.”

“I’d like to know what sort of trading isn’t a swindle in its way.  Everybody who does a large advertised trade is selling something common on the strength of saying it’s uncommon.  Look at Chickson—­they made him a baronet.  Look at Lord Radmore, who did it on lying about the alkali in soap!  Rippin’ ads those were of his too!”

“You don’t mean to say you think doing this stuff up in bottles and swearing it’s the quintessence of strength and making poor devils buy it at that, is straight?”

“Why not, George?  How do we know it mayn’t be the quintessence to them so far as they’re concerned?”

“Oh!” I said, and shrugged my shoulders.

“There’s Faith.  You put Faith in ’em….  I grant our labels are a bit emphatic.  Christian Science, really.  No good setting people against the medicine.  Tell me a solitary trade nowadays that hasn’t to be—­emphatic.  It’s the modern way!  Everybody understands it—­everybody allows for it.”

“But the world would be no worse and rather better, if all this stuff of yours was run down a conduit into the Thames.”

“Don’t see that, George, at all.  ’Mong other things, all our people would be out of work.  Unemployed!  I grant you Tono-Bungay may be—­not quite so good a find for the world as Peruvian bark, but the point is, George—­it makes trade!  And the world lives on trade.  Commerce!  A romantic exchange of commodities and property.  Romance.  ’Magination.  See?  You must look at these things in a broad light.  Look at the wood—­and forget the trees!  And hang it, George! we got to do these things!  There’s no way unless you do.  What do you mean to do—­anyhow?”

“There’s ways of living,” I said, “Without either fraud or lying.”

“You’re a bit stiff, George.  There’s no fraud in this affair, I’ll bet my hat.  But what do you propose to do?  Go as chemist to some one who is running a business, and draw a salary without a share like I offer you.  Much sense in that!  It comes out of the swindle as you call it—­just the same.”

“Some businesses are straight and quiet, anyhow; supply a sound article that is really needed, don’t shout advertisements.”

“No, George.  There you’re behind the times.  The last of that sort was sold up ’bout five years ago.”

“Well, there’s scientific research.”

“And who pays for that?  Who put up that big City and Guilds place at South Kensington?  Enterprising business men!  They fancy they’ll have a bit of science going on, they want a handy Expert ever and again, and there you are!  And what do you get for research when you’ve done it?  Just a bare living and no outlook.  They just keep you to make discoveries, and if they fancy they’ll use ’em they do.”

“One can teach.”

“How much a year, George?  How much a year?  I suppose you must respect Carlyle!  Well, you take Carlyle’s test—­solvency.  (Lord! what a book that French Revolution of his is!) See what the world pays teachers and discoverers and what it pays business men!  That shows the ones it really wants.  There’s a justice in these big things, George, over and above the apparent injustice.  I tell you it wants trade.  It’s Trade that makes the world go round!  Argosies!  Venice!  Empire!”

My uncle suddenly rose to his feet.

“You think it over, George.  You think it over!  And come up on Sunday to the new place—­we got rooms in Gower Street now—­and see your aunt.  She’s often asked for you, George often and often, and thrown it up at me about that bit of property—­though I’ve always said and always will, that twenty-five shillings in the pound is what I’ll pay you and interest up to the nail.  And think it over.  It isn’t me I ask you to help.  It’s yourself.  It’s your aunt Susan.  It’s the whole concern.  It’s the commerce of your country.  And we want you badly.  I tell you straight, I know my limitations.  You could take this place, you could make it go!  I can see you at it—­looking rather sour.  Woosh is the word, George.”

And he smiled endearingly.

“I got to dictate a letter,” he said, ending the smile, and vanished into the outer room.