The History of Mr. Polly

Port Burdock was never the same place for Mr. Polly after Parsons had left it.  There were no chest notes in his occasional letters, and little of the “Joy de Vive” got through by them.  Parsons had gone, he said, to London, and found a place as warehouseman in a cheap outfitting shop near St. Paul’s Churchyard, where references were not required.  It became apparent as time passed that new interests were absorbing him.  He wrote of socialism and the rights of man, things that had no appeal for Mr. Polly.  He felt strangers had got hold of his Parsons, were at work upon him, making him into someone else, something less picturesque….  Port Burdock became a dreariness full of faded memories of Parsons and work a bore.  Platt revealed himself alone as a tiresome companion, obsessed by romantic ideas about intrigues and vices and “society women.”

Mr. Polly’s depression manifested itself in a general slackness.  A certain impatience in the manner of Mr. Garvace presently got upon his nerves.  Relations were becoming strained.  He asked for a rise of salary to test his position, and gave notice to leave when it was refused.

It took him two months to place himself in another situation, and during that time he had quite a disagreeable amount of loneliness, disappointment, anxiety and humiliation.

He went at first to stay with a married cousin who had a house at Easewood.  His widowed father had recently given up the music and bicycle shop (with the post of organist at the parish church) that had sustained his home, and was living upon a small annuity as a guest with this cousin, and growing a little tiresome on account of some mysterious internal discomfort that the local practitioner diagnosed as imagination.  He had aged with mysterious rapidity and become excessively irritable, but the cousin’s wife was a born manager, and contrived to get along with him.  Our Mr. Polly’s status was that of a guest pure and simple, but after a fortnight of congested hospitality in which he wrote nearly a hundred letters beginning: 

Sir:

Referring to your advt. in the “Christian World” for an improver in Gents’ outfitting I beg to submit myself for the situation.  Have had six years’ experience….

and upset a bottle of ink over a toilet cover and the bedroom carpet, his cousin took him for a walk and pointed out the superior advantages of apartments in London from which to swoop upon the briefly yawning vacancy.

“Helpful,” said Mr. Polly; “very helpful, O’ Man indeed.  I might have gone on there for weeks,” and packed.

He got a room in an institution that was partly a benevolent hostel for men in his circumstances and partly a high minded but forbidding coffee house and a centre for pleasant Sunday afternoons.  Mr. Polly spent a critical but pleasant Sunday afternoon in a back seat, inventing such phrases as: 

“Soulful Owner of the Exorbiant Largenial Development.”—­An Adam’s Apple being in question.

“Earnest Joy.”

“Exultant, Urgent Loogoobuosity.”

A manly young curate, marking and misunderstanding his preoccupied face and moving lips, came and sat by him and entered into conversation with the idea of making him feel more at home.  The conversation was awkward and disconnected for a minute or so, and then suddenly a memory of the Port Burdock Bazaar occurred to Mr. Polly, and with a baffling whisper of “Lill’ dog,” and a reassuring nod, he rose up and escaped, to wander out relieved and observant into the varied London streets.

He found the collection of men he found waiting about in wholesale establishments in Wood Street and St. Paul’s Churchyard (where they interview the buyers who have come up from the country) interesting and stimulating, but far too strongly charged with the suggestion of his own fate to be really joyful.  There were men in all degrees between confidence and distress, and in every stage between extravagant smartness and the last stages of decay.  There were sunny young men full of an abounding and elbowing energy, before whom the soul of Polly sank in hate and dismay.  “Smart Juniors,” said Polly to himself, “full of Smart Juniosity.  The Shoveacious Cult.”  There were hungry looking individuals of thirty-five or so that he decided must be “Proletelerians”—­he had often wanted to find someone who fitted that attractive word.  Middle-aged men, “too Old at Forty,” discoursed in the waiting-rooms on the outlook in the trade; it had never been so bad, they said, while Mr. Polly wondered if “De-juiced” was a permissible epithet.  There were men with an overweening sense of their importance, manifestly annoyed and angry to find themselves still disengaged, and inclined to suspect a plot, and men so faint-hearted one was terrified to imagine their behaviour when it came to an interview.  There was a fresh-faced young man with an unintelligent face who seemed to think himself equipped against the world beyond all misadventure by a collar of exceptional height, and another who introduced a note of gaiety by wearing a flannel shirt and a check suit of remarkable virulence.  Every day Mr. Polly looked round to mark how many of the familiar faces had gone, and the deepening anxiety (reflecting his own) on the faces that remained, and every day some new type joined the drifting shoal.  He realised how small a chance his poor letter from Easewood ran against this hungry cluster of competitors at the fountain head.

At the back of Mr. Polly’s mind while he made his observations was a disagreeable flavour of dentist’s parlour.  At any moment his name might be shouted, and he might have to haul himself into the presence of some fresh specimen of employer, and to repeat once more his passionate protestation of interest in the business, his possession of a capacity for zeal—­zeal on behalf of anyone who would pay him a yearly salary of twenty-six pounds a year.  The prospective employer would unfold his ideals of the employee.  “I want a smart, willing young man, thoroughly willing—­who won’t object to take trouble.  I don’t want a slacker, the sort of fellow who has to be pushed up to his work and held there.  I’ve got no use for him.”

At the back of Mr. Polly’s mind, and quite beyond his control, the insubordinate phrasemaker would be proffering such combinations as “Chubby Chops,” or “Chubby Charmer,” as suitable for the gentleman, very much as a hat salesman proffers hats.

“I don’t think you’d find much slackness about me, sir,” said Mr. Polly brightly, trying to disregard his deeper self.

“I want a young man who means getting on.”

“Exactly, sir.  Excelsior.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said excelsior, sir.  It’s a sort of motto of mine.  From Longfellow.  Would you want me to serve through?”

The chubby gentleman explained and reverted to his ideals, with a faint air of suspicion.  “Do you mean getting on?” he asked.

“I hope so, sir,” said Mr. Polly.

“Get on or get out, eh?”

Mr. Polly made a rapturous noise, nodded appreciation, and said indistinctly—­“Quite my style.”

“Some of my people have been with me twenty years,” said the employer.  “My Manchester buyer came to me as a boy of twelve.  You’re a Christian?”

“Church of England,” said Mr. Polly.

“H’m,” said the employer a little checked.  “For good all round business work I should have preferred a Baptist.  Still—­”

He studied Mr. Polly’s tie, which was severely neat and businesslike, as became an aspiring outfitter.  Mr. Polly’s conception of his own pose and expression was rendered by that uncontrollable phrasemonger at the back as “Obsequies Deference.”

“I am inclined,” said the prospective employer in a conclusive manner, “to look up your reference.”

Mr. Polly stood up abruptly.

“Thank you,” said the employer and dismissed him.

“Chump chops!  How about chump chops?” said the phrasemonger with an air of inspiration.

“I hope then to hear from you, sir,” said Mr. Polly in his best salesman manner.

“If everything is satisfactory,” said the prospective employer.