The Enchanted Typewriter

MR. BOSWELL IMPARTS SOME LATE NEWS OF HADES

Boswell was a little late in arriving the next night.  He had agreed to be on hand exactly at midnight, but it was after one o’clock before the machine began to click and the bell to ring.  I had fallen asleep in the soft upholstered depths of my armchair, feeling pretty thoroughly worn out by the experiences of the night before, which, in spite of their pleasant issue, were nevertheless somewhat disturbing to a nervous organization like mine.  Suddenly I waked, and with the awakening there entered into my mind the notion that the whole thing was merely a dream, and that in the end it would be the better for me if I were to give up Aldus and other club dinners with nightmare inducing menus.  But I was soon convinced that the real state of affairs was quite otherwise, and that everything really had happened as I have already related it to you, for I had hardly gotten my eyes free from what my poetic son calls “the seeds of sleep” when I heard the type-writer tap forth: 

“Hello, old man!”

Incidentally let me say that this had become another interesting feature of the machine.  Since my first interview with Boswell the taps seemed to speak, and if some one were sitting before it and writing a line the mere differentiation of sounds of the various keys would convey to the mind the ideas conveyed to it by the printed words.  So, as I say, my ears were greeted with a clicking “Hello, old man!” followed immediately by the bell.

“You are late,” said I, looking at my watch.

“I know it,” was the response.  “But I can’t help it.  During the campaign I am kept so infernally busy I hardly know where I am.”

“Campaign, eh?” I put in.  “Do you have campaigns in Hades?”

“Yes,” replied Boswell, “and we are having a—­well, to be polite, a regular Gehenna of a time.  Things have changed much in Hades latterly.  There has been a great growth in the democratic spirit below, and his Majesty is having a deuce of a time running his kingdom.  Washington and Cromwell and Caesar have had the nerve to demand a constitution from the venerable Nicholas—­”

“From whom?” I queried, perplexed somewhat, for I was not yet fully awake.

“Old Nick,” replied Boswell; “and I can tell you there’s a pretty fight on between the supporters of the administration and the opposition.  Secure in his power, the Grand Master of Hades has been somewhat arbitrary, and he has made the mistake of doing some of his subjects a little too brown.  Take the case of Bonaparte, for instance:  the government has ruled that he was personally responsible for all the wars of Europe from 1800 up to Waterloo, and it was proposed to hang him once for every man killed on either side throughout that period.  Bonaparte naturally resisted.  He said he had a good neck, which he did not object to have broken three or four times, because he admitted he deserved it; but when it came to hanging him five or six million times, once a month, for, say, five million months, or twelve times a year for 415,000 years, he didn’t like it, and wouldn’t stand it, and wanted to submit the question to arbitration.

“Nicholas observed that the word arbitration was not in his especially expurgated dictionary, whereupon Bonaparte remarked that he wasn’t responsible for that; that he thought it a good word and worthy of incorporation in any dictionary and in all vocabularies.

“‘I don’t care what you think,’ retorted his Majesty.  ’It’s what I don’t think that goes;’ and he commanded his imps to prepare the gallows on the third Thursday of each month for Bonaparte’s expiation; ordered his secretary to send Bonaparte a type-written notice that his presence on each occasion was expected, and gave orders to the police to see that he was there willy-nilly.  Naturally Bonaparte resisted, and appealed to the courts.  Blackstone sustained his appeal, and Nicholas overruled him.  The first Thursday came, and the police went for the Emperor, but he was surrounded by a good half of the men who had fought under him, and the minions of the law could do nothing against them.  In consequence, Bonaparte’s brother, Joseph, a quiet, inoffensive citizen, was dragged from his home and hanged in his place, Nicholas contending that when a soldier could not, or would not, serve, the government had a right to expect a substitute.  Well,” said Boswell, at this point, “that set all Hades on fire.  We were divided as to Bonaparte’s deserts, but the hanging of other people as substitutes was too much.  We didn’t know who’d be substituted next.  The English backed up Blackstone, of course.  The French army backed up Bonaparte.  The inoffensive citizens were aroused in behalf of Joseph, for they saw at once whither they were drifting if the substitute idea was carried out to its logical conclusion; and in half an hour the administration was on the defensive, which, as you know, is a very, very, very bad thing for an administration.”

“It is, if it desires to be returned to office,” said I.

“It is anyhow,” replied Boswell through the medium of the keys.  “It’s in exactly the same position as that of a humorist who has to print explanatory diagrams with all of his jokes.  The administration papers were hot over the situation.  The king can do no wrong idea was worked for all it was worth, but beyond this they drew pathetic pictures of the result of all these deplorable tendencies.  What was Hades for, they asked, if a man, after leading a life of crime in the other world, was not to receive his punishment there?  The attitude of the opposition was a radical and vicious blow at the vital principles of the sphere itself.  The opposition papers coolly and calmly took the position that the vital principles of Hades were all right; that it was the extreme view as to the power of the Emperor taken by that person himself that wouldn’t go in these democratic days.  Punishment for Bonaparte was the correct thing, and Bonaparte expected some, but was not grasping enough to want it all.  They added that recent fully settled ideas as to a humane application of the laws required the bunching of the indictments or the selection of one and a fair trial based upon that, and that anyhow, under no circumstances, should a wholly innocent person be made to suffer for the crimes of another.  These journals were suppressed, but the next day a set of new papers were started to promulgate the same theories as to individual rights.  The province of Cimmeria declared itself independent of the throne, and set up in the business of government for itself.  Gehenna declared for the Emperor, but insisted upon home rule for cities of its own class, and finally, as I informed you at the beginning, Washington, Cromwell, and Caesar went in person to Apollyon and demanded a constitution.  That was the day before yesterday, and just what will come of it we don’t as yet know, because Washington and Cromwell and Caesar have not been seen since, but we have great fears for them, because seventeen car-loads of vitriol and a thousand extra tons of coal were ordered by the Lord High Steward of the palace to be delivered to the Minister of Justice last night.”

“Quite a complication,” said I.  “The Americanization of Hades has begun at last.  How does society regard the affair?”

“Variously,” observed Boswell.  “Society hates the government as much as anybody, and really believes in curtailing the Emperor’s powers, but, on the other hand, it desires to maintain all of its own aristocratic privileges.  The main trouble in Hades at present is the gradual disintegration of society; that is to say, its former component parts are beginning to differentiate themselves the one from the other.”

“Like capital and labor here?” I queried.

“In a sense, yes—­possibly more like your Colonial Dames, and Daughters of the Revolution.  For instance, great organizations are in process of formation—­people are beginning to flock together for purposes of protection.  Charles the First and Henry the Eighth and Louis the Fourteenth have established Ye Ancient and Honorable Order of Kings, to which only those who have actually worn crowns shall be eligible.  The painters have gotten together with a Society of Fine Arts, the sculptors have formed a Society of Chisellers, and all the authors from Homer down to myself have got up an Authors’ Club where we have a lovely time talking about ourselves, no man to be eligible who hasn’t written something that has lasted a hundred years.  Perhaps, if you are thinking of coming over soon, you’ll let me put you on our waiting-list?”

I smiled at his seeming inconsistency and let myself into his snare.

“I haven’t written anything that has lasted a hundred years yet,” said I.

“Oh, yes, I think you have,” replied Boswell, and the machine seemed to laugh as he wrote out his answer.  “I saw a joke of yours the other day that’s two hundred centuries old.  Diogenes showed it to me and said that it was a great favorite with his grandfather, who had inherited it from one of his remote ancestors.”

A hot retort was on my lips, but I had no wish to offend my guest, so I smiled and observed that I had frequently indulged in unconscious plagiarism of that sort.

“I should imagine,” I hastened to add, “that to men like Charles the First this uncertainty as to the safety of Cromwell would be great joy.”

“I hardly know,” returned Boswell.  “That very question has been discussed among us.  Charles made a great outward show of grief when he heard of the coal being delivered at the office of the Minister of Justice, and we all thought him quite magnanimous, but it leaked out, just before I left to come here, that he sent his private secretary to the palace with a Panama hat and a palm-leaf fan for Cromwell, with his congratulations.

“That seems to savor somewhat of sarcasm.”

“Oh, ultimately Hades is bound to be a republic,” replied Boswell.  “There are too many clever and ambitious politicians among us for the place to go along as a despotism much longer.  If the place were filled up with poets and society people, and things like that, it might go on as an autocracy forever, but you see it isn’t.  To men of the caliber of Alexander the Great and Bonaparte and Caesar, and a thousand other warriors who never were used to taking orders from anybody, but were themselves headquarters, the despotic sway of Apollyon is intolerable, and he hasn’t made any effort to conciliate any of them.  If he had appointed Bonaparte commander-in-chief of his army and made a friend of him, instead of ordering him to be hanged every month for 415,000 years, or put Caesar in as Secretary of State, instead of having him roasted three times a month for seventy or eighty centuries, he would have strengthened his hold.  As it is, he has ignored all these people officially, treats them like criminals personally; makes friends with Mazarin and Powhatan, awards the office of Tax Assessor to Dick Turpin, and makes old Falstaff commander of his Imperial Guard.  And just because poor Ben Jonson scribbled off a rhyme for my paper, The Gazette—­a rhyme running: 

        Mazarin And Powhatan,
     Turpin and Falstaff,
        Form, you bet, A cabinet
     To make a donkey laugh.

        Mazarin And Powhatan
     Run Apollyon’s state. 
        The Dick and Jacks Collect the tax—­
     The people pay the freight.

—­just because Jonson wrote that and I published it, my paper was confiscated, Jonson was boiled in oil for ten weeks, and I was seized and thrown into a dungeon where a lot of savages from the South Sea Islands tattooed the darned old jingle between my shoulder blades in green letters, and not satisfied with this barbaric act, right under the jingle they added the line, in red letters, ’This edition strictly limited to one copy, for private circulation only,’ and they every one of ’em, Apollyon, Mazarin, and the rest, signed the guarantee personally with red-hot pens dipped in sulphuric acid.  It makes a valuable collection of autographs, no doubt, but I prefer my back as nature made it.  Talk about enlightened government under a man who’ll permit things like that to be done!”

I ought not to have done it, but I couldn’t help smiling.

“I must say,” I observed, apologetically, “that the treatment was barbarous, but really I do think it showed a sense of humor on the part of the government.”

“No doubt,” replied Boswell, with a sigh; “but when the joke is on me I don’t enjoy it very much.  I’m only human, and should prefer to observe that the government had some sense of justice.”

The apparently empty chair before the machine gave a slight hitch forward, and the type-writer began to tap again.

“You’ll have to excuse me now,” observed Boswell through the usual medium.  “I have work to do, and if you’ll go to bed like a good fellow, while I copy off the minutes of the last meeting of the Authors’ Club, I’ll see that you don’t lose anything by it.  After I get the minutes done I have an interesting story for my Sunday paper from the advance sheets of Munchausen’s Further Recollections, which I shall take great pleasure in leaving for you when I depart.  If you will take the bundle of manuscript I leave with you and boil it in alcohol for ten minutes, you will be able to read it, and, no doubt, if you copy it off, sell it for a goodly sum.  It is guaranteed absolutely genuine.”

“Very well,” said I, rising, “I’ll go; but I should think you would put in most of your time whacking at the government editorially, instead of going in for minutes and abstract stories of adventure.”

“You do, eh?” said Boswell.  “Well, if you were in my place you’d change your mind.  After my unexpected endorsement by the Emperor and his cabinet, I’ve decided to keep out of politics for a little while.  I can stand having a poem tattooed on my back, but if it came to having a three-column editorial expressing my emotions etched alongside of my spine, I’m afraid I’d disappear into thin air.”

So I left him at work and retired.  The next morning I found the promised bundle of manuscripts, and, after boiling the pages as instructed, discovered the following tale.