The Devil's Dictionary

  My friend, you are not graceful —­ not at all;
  Your gait’s between a stagger and a sprawl.

  Nor are you beautiful:  your head’s a snake’s
  To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

  As to your feet, they’d make an angel weep. 
  ’Tis true you take them in whene’er you sleep.

  No, you’re not pretty, but you have, I own,
  A certain firmness —­ mostly you’re [sic] backbone.

  Firmness and strength (you have a giant’s thews)
  Are virtues that the great know how to use —­

  I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
  You lack —­ excuse my mentioning it —­ Soul.

  So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
  I’d rather you were I than I were you.

  Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
  When Man’s extinct, a better world may see

  Your progeny in power and control,
  Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

  So I salute you as a reptile grand
  Predestined to regenerate the land.

  Father of Possibilities, O deign
  To accept the homage of a dying reign!

  In the far region of the unforeknown
  I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

  I see an Emperor his head withdraw
  Into his carapace for fear of Law;

  A King who carries something else than fat,
  Howe’er acceptably he carries that;

  A President not strenuously bent
  On punishment of audible dissent —­

  Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
  An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

  Subject and citizens that feel no need
  To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

  All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
  And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.

  O Tortoise, ’tis a happy, happy dream,
  My glorious testudinous regime!

  I wish in Eden you’d brought this about
  By slouching in and chasing Adam out.

TREE, n.  A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all.  When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor in public morals.  In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare.  That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: 

      While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof
  I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in
  it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as
  followeth: 
      “Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall
  see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye
  King his Majesty.” 
      And I was furder tolde yt ye worde “Ghogo” sygnifyeth in yr
  tong ye same as “rapscal” in our owne.

Trauvells in ye Easte

TRIAL, n.  A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.  In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.  If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth.  In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial.  A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner.  Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized.  In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy’s legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished.  In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed.  D’Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals.  In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of “the aquatic worms” be brought before the local magistracy.  This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring “the malediction of God.”  In the voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.

TRICHINOSIS, n.  The pig’s reply to proponents of porcophagy. 
  Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian
physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher’s disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name.  “You need and immediate change of diet,” he said; “you must eat six ounces of pork every other day.” 
  “Pork?” shrieked the patient —­ “pork?  Nothing shall induce me to
touch it!”
  “Do you mean that?” the doctor gravely asked. 
  “I swear it!”
  “Good! —­ then I will undertake to cure you.”

TRINITY, n.  In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one.  Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration and propitiation.  The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion.  In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological fundamentals.  In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible one.  In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.

TROGLODYTE, n.  Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat.  A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.  The colony consisted of “every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented” —­ in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.

TRUCE, n.  Friendship.

TRUTH, n.  An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.  Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.

TRUTHFUL, adj.  Dumb and illiterate.

TRUST, n.  In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.

TURKEY, n.  A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.  Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

TWICE, adv.  Once too often.

TYPE, n.  Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.  An African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature’s most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (Mendax interminabilis).