The British Barbarians

Next day was (not unnaturally) Sunday.  At half-past ten in the morning, according to his wont, Philip Christy was seated in the drawing-room at his sister’s house, smooth silk hat in gloved hand, waiting for Frida and her husband, Robert Monteith, to go to church with him.  As he sat there, twiddling his thumbs, or beating the devil’s tattoo on the red Japanese table, the housemaid entered.  “A gentleman to see you, sir,” she said, handing Philip a card.  The young man glanced at it curiously.  A visitor to call at such an early hour!—­and on Sunday morning too!  How extremely odd!  This was really most irregular!

So he looked down at the card with a certain vague sense of inarticulate disapproval.  But he noticed at the same time it was finer and clearer and more delicately engraved than any other card he had ever yet come across.  It bore in simple unobtrusive letters the unknown name, “Mr. Bertram Ingledew.”

Though he had never heard it before, name and engraving both tended to mollify Philip’s nascent dislike.  “Show the gentleman in, Martha,” he said in his most grandiose tone; and the gentleman entered.

Philip started at sight of him.  It was his friend the Alien.  Philip was quite surprised to see his madman of last night; and what was more disconcerting still, in the self-same grey tweed home-spun suit he had worn last evening.  Now, nothing can be more gentlemanly, don’t you know, than a grey home-spun, in its proper place; but its proper place Philip Christy felt was certainly not in a respectable suburb on a Sunday morning.

“I beg your pardon,” he said frigidly, rising from his seat with his sternest official air—­the air he was wont to assume in the anteroom at the office when outsiders called and wished to interview his chief “on important public business.”  “To what may I owe the honour of this visit?” For he did not care to be hunted up in his sister’s house at a moment’s notice by a most casual acquaintance, whom he suspected of being an escaped lunatic.

Bertram Ingledew, for his part, however, advanced towards his companion of last night with the frank smile and easy bearing of a cultivated gentleman.  He was blissfully unaware of the slight he was putting upon the respectability of Brackenhurst by appearing on Sunday in his grey tweed suit; so he only held out his hand as to an ordinary friend, with the simple words, “You were so extremely kind to me last night, Mr. Christy, that as I happen to know nobody here in England, I ventured to come round and ask your advice in unexpected circumstances that have since arisen.”

When Bertram Ingledew looked at him, Philip once more relented.  The man’s eye was so captivating.  To say the truth, there was something taking about the mysterious stranger—­a curious air of unconscious superiority—­so that, the moment he came near, Philip felt himself fascinated.  He only answered, therefore, in as polite a tone as he could easily muster, “Why, how did you get to know my name, or to trace me to my sister’s?”

“Oh, Miss Blake told me who you were and where you lived,” Bertram replied most innocently:  his tone was pure candour; “and when I went round to your lodgings just now, they explained that you were out, but that I should probably find you at Mrs. Monteith’s; so of course I came on here.”

Philip denied the applicability of that naive “of course” in his inmost soul:  but it was no use being angry with Mr. Bertram Ingledew.  So much he saw at once; the man was so simple-minded, so transparently natural, one could not be angry with him.  One could only smile at him, a superior cynical London-bred smile, for an unsophisticated foreigner.  So the Civil Servant asked with a condescending air, “Well, what’s your difficulty?  I’ll see if peradventure I can help you out of it.”  For he reflected to himself in a flash that as Ingledew had apparently a good round sum in gold and notes in his pocket yesterday, he was not likely to come borrowing money this morning.

“It’s like this, you see,” the Alien answered with charming simplicity, “I haven’t got any luggage.”

“Not got any luggage!” Philip repeated, awestruck, letting his jaw fall short, and stroking his clean-shaven chin with one hand.  He was more doubtful than ever now as to the man’s sanity or respectability.  If he was not a lunatic, then surely he must be this celebrated Perpignan murderer, whom everybody was talking about, and whom the French police were just then engaged in hunting down for extradition.

“No; I brought none with me on purpose,” Mr. Ingledew replied, as innocently as ever.  “I didn’t feel quite sure about the ways, or the customs, or the taboos of England.  So I had just this one suit of clothes made, after an English pattern of the present fashion, which I was lucky enough to secure from a collector at home; and I thought I’d buy everything else I wanted when I got to London.  I brought nothing at all in the way of luggage with me.”

“Not even brush and comb?” Philip interposed, horrified.

“Oh, yes, naturally, just the few things one always takes in a vade-mecum,” Bertram Ingledew answered, with a gracefully deprecatory wave of the hand, which Philip thought pretty enough, but extremely foreign.  “Beyond that, nothing.  I felt it would be best, you see, to set oneself up in things of the country in the country itself.  One’s surer then of getting exactly what’s worn in the society one mixes in.”

For the first and only time, as he said those words, the stranger struck a chord that was familiar to Philip.  “Oh, of course,” the Civil Servant answered, with brisk acquiescence, “if you want to be really up to date in your dress, you must go to first-rate houses in London for everything.  Nobody anywhere can cut like a good London tailor.”

Bertram Ingledew bowed his head.  It was the acquiescent bow of the utter outsider who gives no opinion at all on the subject under discussion, because he does not possess any.  As he probably came, in spite of his disclaimer, from America or the colonies, which are belated places, toiling in vain far in the rear of Bond Street, Philip thought this an exceedingly proper display of bashfulness, especially in a man who had only landed in England yesterday.  But Bertram went on half-musingly.  “And you had told me,” he said, “I’m sure not meaning to mislead me, there were no formalities or taboos of any kind on entering into lodgings.  However, I found, as soon as I’d arranged to take the rooms and pay four guineas a week for them, which was a guinea more than she asked me, Miss Blake would hardly let me come in at all unless I could at once produce my luggage.”  He looked comically puzzled.  “I thought at first,” he continued, gazing earnestly at Philip, “the good lady was afraid I wouldn’t pay her what I’d agreed, and would go away and leave her in the lurch without a penny,—­which was naturally a very painful imputation.  But when I offered to let her have three weeks’ rent in advance, I saw that wasn’t all:  there was a taboo as well; she couldn’t let me in without luggage, she said, because it would imperil some luck or talisman to which she frequently alluded as the Respectability of her Lodgings.  This Respectability seems a very great fetich.  I was obliged at last, in order to ensure a night’s lodging of any sort, to appease it by promising I’d go up to London by the first train to-day, and fetch down my luggage.”

“Then you’ve things at Charing Cross, in the cloak-room perhaps?” Philip suggested, somewhat relieved; for he felt sure Bertram Ingledew must have told Miss Blake it was he who had recommended him to Heathercliff House for furnished apartments.

“Oh, dear, no; nothing,” Bertram responded cheerfully.  “Not a sack to my back.  I’ve only what I stand up in.  And I called this morning just to ask as I passed if you could kindly direct me to an emporium in London where I could set myself up in all that’s necessary.”

“A what?” Philip interposed, catching quick at the unfamiliar word with blank English astonishment, and more than ever convinced, in spite of denial, that the stranger was an American.

“An emporium,” Bertram answered, in the most matter-of-fact voice:  “a magazine, don’t you know; a place where they supply things in return for money.  I want to go up to London at once this morning and buy what I require there.”

“Oh, A SHOP, you mean,” Philip replied, putting on at once his most respectable British sabbatarian air.  “I can tell you of the very best tailor in London, whose cut is perfect; a fine flower of tailors:  but not to-day.  You forget you’re in England, and this is Sunday.  On the Continent, it’s different:  but you’ll find no decent shops here open to-day in town or country.”

Bertram Ingledew drew one hand over his high white brow with a strangely puzzled air.  “No more I will,” he said slowly, like one who by degrees half recalls with an effort some forgotten fact from dim depths of his memory.  “I ought to have remembered, of course.  Why, I knew that, long ago.  I read it in a book on the habits and manners of the English people.  But somehow, one never recollects these taboo days, wherever one may be, till one’s pulled up short by them in the course of one’s travels.  Now, what on earth am I to do?  A box, it seems, is the Open, Sesame of the situation.  Some mystic value is attached to it as a moral amulet.  I don’t believe that excellent Miss Blake would consent to take me in for a second night without the guarantee of a portmanteau to respectablise me.”

We all have moments of weakness, even the most irreproachable Philistine among us; and as Bertram said those words in rather a piteous voice, it occurred to Philip Christy that the loan of a portmanteau would be a Christian act which might perhaps simplify matters for the handsome and engaging stranger.  Besides, he was sure, after all—­mystery or no mystery—­Bertram Ingledew was Somebody.  That nameless charm of dignity and distinction impressed him more and more the longer he talked with the Alien.  “Well, I think, perhaps, I could help you,” he hazarded after a moment, in a dubious tone; though to be sure, if he lent the portmanteau, it would be like cementing the friendship for good or for evil; which Philip, being a prudent young man, felt to be in some ways a trifle dangerous; for who borrows a portmanteau must needs bring it back again—­which opens the door to endless contingencies.  “I might be able—­”

At that moment, their colloquy was suddenly interrupted by the entry of a lady who immediately riveted Bertram Ingledew’s attention.  She was tall and dark, a beautiful woman, of that riper and truer beauty in face and form that only declares itself as character develops.  Her features were clear cut, rather delicate than regular; her eyes were large and lustrous; her lips not too thin, but rich and tempting; her brow was high, and surmounted by a luscious wealth of glossy black hair which Bertram never remembered to have seen equalled before for its silkiness of texture and its strange blue sheen, like a plate of steel, or the grass of the prairies.  Gliding grace distinguished her when she walked.  Her motion was equable.  As once the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair, and straightway coveted them, even so Bertram Ingledew looked on Frida Monteith, and saw at the first glance she was a woman to be desired, a soul high-throned, very calm and beautiful.

She stood there for a moment and faced him, half in doubt, in her flowing Oriental or Mauresque robe (for she dressed, as Philip would have said, “artistically”), waiting to be introduced the while, and taking good heed, as she waited, of the handsome stranger.  As for Philip, he hesitated, not quite certain in his own mind on the point of etiquette—­say rather of morals—­whether one ought or ought not to introduce “the ladies of one’s family” to a casual stranger picked up in the street, who confesses he has come on a visit to England without a letter of introduction or even that irreducible minimum of respectability—­a portmanteau.  Frida, however, had no such scruples.  She saw the young man was good-looking and gentlemanly, and she turned to Philip with the hasty sort of glance that says as plainly as words could say it, “Now, then! introduce me.”

Thus mutely exhorted, though with a visible effort, Philip murmured half inarticulately, in a stifled undertone, “My sister, Mrs. Monteith—­Mr. Bertram Ingledew,” and then trembled inwardly.

It was a surprise to Bertram that the beautiful woman with the soul in her eyes should turn out to be the sister of the very commonplace young man with the boiled-fish expression he had met by the corner; but he disguised his astonishment, and only interjected, as if it were the most natural remark in the world:  “I’m pleased to meet you.  What a lovely gown! and how admirably it becomes you!”

Philip opened his eyes aghast.  But Frida glanced down at the dress with a glance of approbation.  The stranger’s frankness, though quaint, was really refreshing.

“I’m so glad you like it,” she said, taking the compliment with quiet dignity, as simply as it was intended.  “It’s all my own taste; I chose the stuff and designed the make of it.  And I know who this is, Phil, without your troubling to tell me; it’s the gentleman you met in the street last night, and were talking about at dinner.”

“You’re quite right,” Philip answered, with a deprecating look (as who should say, aside, “I really couldn’t help it”).  “He—­he’s rather in a difficulty.”  And then he went on to explain in a few hurried words to Frida, with sundry shrugs and nods of profoundest import, that the supposed lunatic or murderer or foreigner or fool had gone to Miss Blake’s without luggage of any sort; and that, “Perhaps”—­very dubitatively—­“a portmanteau or bag might help him out of his temporary difficulties.”

“Why, of course,” Frida cried impulsively, with prompt decision; “Robert’s Gladstone bag and my little brown trunk would be the very things for him.  I could lend them to him at once, if only we can get a Sunday cab to take them.”

“Not before service, surely,” Philip interposed, scandalised.  “If he were to take them now, you know, he’d meet all the church-people.”

“Is it taboo, then, to face the clergy with a Gladstone bag?” Bertram asked quite seriously, in that childlike tone of simple inquiry that Philip had noticed more than once before in him.  “Your bonzes object to meet a man with luggage?  They think it unlucky?”

Frida and Philip looked at one another with quick glances, and laughed.

“Well, it’s not exactly tabooed,” Frida answered gently; “and it’s not so much the rector himself, you know, as the feelings of one’s neighbours.  This is a very respectable neighbourhood—­oh, quite dreadfully respectable—­and people in the houses about might make a talk of it if a cab drove away from the door as they were passing.  I think, Phil, you’re right.  He’d better wait till the church-people are finished.”

“Respectability seems to be a very great object of worship in your village,” Bertram suggested in perfect good faith.  “Is it a local cult, or is it general in England?”

Frida glanced at him, half puzzled.  “Oh, I think it’s pretty general,” she answered, with a happy smile.  “But perhaps the disease is a little more epidemic about here than elsewhere.  It affects the suburbs:  and my brother’s got it just as badly as any one.”

“As badly as any one!” Bertram repeated with a puzzled air.  “Then you don’t belong to that creed yourself?  You don’t bend the knee to this embodied abstraction?—­it’s your brother who worships her, I suppose, for the family?”

“Yes; he’s more of a devotee than I am,” Frida went on, quite frankly, but not a little surprised at so much freedom in a stranger.  “Though we’re all of us tarred with the same brush, no doubt.  It’s a catching complaint, I suppose, respectability.”

Bertram gazed at her dubiously.  A complaint, did she say?  Was she serious or joking?  He hardly understood her.  But further discussion was cut short for the moment by Frida good-humouredly running upstairs to see after the Gladstone bag and brown portmanteau, into which she crammed a few useless books and other heavy things, to serve as make-weights for Miss Blake’s injured feelings.

“You’d better wait a quarter of an hour after we go to church,” she said, as the servant brought these necessaries into the room where Bertram and Philip were seated.  “By that time nearly all the church-people will be safe in their seats; and Phil’s conscience will be satisfied.  You can tell Miss Blake you’ve brought a little of your luggage to do for to-day, and the rest will follow from town to-morrow morning.”

“Oh, how very kind you are!” Bertram exclaimed, looking down at her gratefully.  “I’m sure I don’t know what I should ever have done in this crisis without you.”

He said it with a warmth which was certainly unconventional.  Frida coloured and looked embarrassed.  There was no denying he was certainly a most strange and untrammelled person.

“And if I might venture on a hint,” Philip put in, with a hasty glance at his companion’s extremely unsabbatical costume, “it would be that you shouldn’t try to go out much to-day in that suit you’re wearing; it looks peculiar, don’t you know, and might attract attention.”

“Oh, is that a taboo too?” the stranger put in quickly, with an anxious air.  “Now, that’s awfully kind of you.  But it’s curious, as well; for two or three people passed my window last night, all Englishmen, as I judged, and all with suits almost exactly like this one—­which was copied, as I told you, from an English model.”

“Last night; oh, yes,” Philip answered.  “Last night was Saturday; that makes all the difference.  The suit’s right enough in its way, of course,—­very neat and gentlemanly; but not for Sunday.  You’re expected on Sundays to put on a black coat and waistcoat, you know, like the ones I’m wearing.”

Bertram’s countenance fell.  “And if I’m seen in the street like this,” he asked, “will they do anything to me?  Will the guardians of the peace—­the police, I mean—­arrest me?”

Frida laughed a bright little laugh of genuine amusement.

“Oh, dear, no,” she said merrily; “it isn’t an affair of police at all; not so serious as that:  it’s only a matter of respectability.”

“I see,” Bertram answered.  “Respectability’s a religious or popular, not an official or governmental, taboo.  I quite understand you.  But those are often the most dangerous sort.  Will the people in the street, who adore Respectability, be likely to attack me or mob me for disrespect to their fetich?”

“Certainly not,” Frida replied, flushing up.  He seemed to be carrying a joke too far.  “This is a free country.  Everybody wears and eats and drinks just what he pleases.”

“Well, that’s all very interesting to me,” the Alien went on with a charming smile, that disarmed her indignation; “for I’ve come here on purpose to collect facts and notes about English taboos and similar observances.  I’m Secretary of a Nomological Society at home, which is interested in pagodas, topes, and joss-houses; and I’ve been travelling in Africa and in the South Sea Islands for a long time past, working at materials for a History of Taboo, from its earliest beginnings in the savage stage to its fully developed European complexity; so of course all you say comes home to me greatly.  Your taboos, I foresee, will prove a most valuable and illustrative study.”

“I beg your pardon,” Philip interposed stiffly, now put upon his mettle.  “We have no taboos at all in England.  You’re misled, no doubt, by a mere playful facon de parler, which society indulges in.  England, you must remember, is a civilised country, and taboos are institutions that belong to the lowest and most degraded savages.”

But Bertram Ingledew gazed at him in the blankest astonishment.  “No taboos!” he exclaimed, taken aback.  “Why, I’ve read of hundreds.  Among nomological students, England has always been regarded with the greatest interest as the home and centre of the highest and most evolved taboo development.  And you yourself,” he added with a courteous little bow, “have already supplied me with quite half a dozen.  But perhaps you call them by some other name among yourselves; though in origin and essence, of course, they’re precisely the same as the other taboos I’ve been examining so long in Asia and Africa.  However, I’m afraid I’m detaining you from the function of your joss-house.  You wish, no doubt, to make your genuflexions in the Temple of Respectability.”

And he reflected silently on the curious fact that the English give themselves by law fifty-two weekly holidays a year, and compel themselves by custom to waste them entirely in ceremonial observances.