Napoleon went down into a battle
riding on a horse.
Alexander went down into a battle riding
on a horse.
General Grant got off a horse and walked
in a wood.
General Hindenburg stood on a hill.
The moon came up out of a clump of bushes.
* * * *
I am writing a history of the things
men do. I have written three such histories and
I am but a young man. Already I have written three
hundred, four hundred thousand words.
My wife is somewhere in this house
where for hours now I have been sitting and writing.
She is a tall woman with black hair, turning a little
grey. Listen, she is going softly up a flight
of stairs. All day she goes softly about, doing
the housework in our house.
I came here to this town from another
town in the state of Iowa. My father was a workman,
a house painter. He did not rise in the world
as I have done. I worked my way through college
and became an historian. We own this house in
which I sit. This is my room in which I work.
Already I have written three histories of peoples.
I have told how states were formed and battles fought.
You may see my books standing straight up on the shelves
of libraries. They stand up like sentries.
I am tall like my wife and my shoulders
are a little stooped. Although I write boldly
I am a shy man. I like being at work alone in
this room with the door closed. There are many
books here. Nations march back and forth in the
books. It is quiet here but in the books a great
thundering goes on.
* * *
Napoleon rides down a hill
and into a battle.
General Grant walks in a wood.
Alexander rides down a hill and into a
battle.
* * *
My wife has a serious, almost stern
look. Sometimes the thoughts I have concerning
her frighten me. In the afternoon she leaves our
house and goes for a walk. Sometimes she goes
to stores, sometimes to visit a neighbor. There
is a yellow house opposite our house. My wife
goes out at a side door and passes along the street
between our house and the yellow house.
The side door of our house bangs.
There is a moment of waiting. My wife’s
face floats across the yellow background of a picture.
* * *
General Pershing rode down
a hill and into a battle.
Alexander rode down a hill and into a battle.
* * *
Little things are growing big in my
mind. The window before my desk makes a little
framed place like a picture. Every day I sit staring.
I wait with an odd sensation of something impending.
My hand trembles. The face that floats through
the picture does something I don’t understand.
The face floats, then it stops. It goes from the
right hand side to the left hand side, then it stops.
The face comes into my mind and goes
out—the face floats in my mind. The
pen has fallen from my fingers. The house is silent.
The eyes of the floating face are turned away from
me.
My wife is a girl who came here to
this town from another town in the state of Ohio.
We keep a servant but my wife often sweeps the floors
and she sometimes makes the bed in which we sleep together.
We sit together in the evening but I do not know her.
I cannot shake myself out of myself. I wear a
brown coat and I cannot come out of my coat. I
cannot come out of myself. My wife is very gentle
and she speaks softly but she cannot come out of herself.
My wife has gone out of the house.
She does not know that I know every little thought
of her life. I know what she thought when she
was a child and walked in the streets of an Ohio town.
I have heard the voices of her mind. I have heard
the little voices. I heard the voice of fear
crying when she was first overtaken with passion and
crawled into my arms. Again I heard the voices
of fear when her lips said words of courage to me
as we sat together on the first evening after we were
married and moved into this house.
It would be strange if I could sit
here, as I am doing now, while my own face floated
across the picture made by the yellow house and the
window. It would be strange and beautiful if I
could meet my wife, come into her presence.
The woman whose face floated across
my picture just now knows nothing of me. I know
nothing of her. She has gone off, along a street.
The voices of her mind are talking. I am here
in this room, as alone as ever any man God made.
It would be strange and beautiful
if I could float my face across my picture. If
my floating face could come into her presence, if it
could come into the presence of any man or any woman—that
would be a strange and beautiful thing to have happen.
* * *
Napoleon went down into
a battle riding on a horse.
General Grant went into a wood.
Alexander went down into a battle riding
on a horse.
* * *
*
I’ll tell you what—sometimes
the whole life of this world floats in a human face
in my mind. The unconscious face of the world
stops and stands still before me.
Why do I not say a word out of myself
to the others? Why, in all our life together,
have I never been able to break through the wall to
my wife?
Already I have written three hundred,
four hundred thousand words. Are there no words
that lead into life? Some day I shall speak to
myself. Some day I shall make a testament unto
myself.