My Antonia

After Antonia went to live with the Cutters, she seemed to care about nothing but picnics and parties and having a good time.  When she was not going to a dance, she sewed until midnight.  Her new clothes were the subject of caustic comment.  Under Lena’s direction she copied Mrs. Gardener’s new party dress and Mrs. Smith’s street costume so ingeniously in cheap materials that those ladies were greatly annoyed, and Mrs. Cutter, who was jealous of them, was secretly pleased.

Tony wore gloves now, and high-heeled shoes and feathered bonnets, and she went downtown nearly every afternoon with Tiny and Lena and the Marshalls’ Norwegian Anna.  We high-school boys used to linger on the playground at the afternoon recess to watch them as they came tripping down the hill along the board sidewalk, two and two.  They were growing prettier every day, but as they passed us, I used to think with pride that Antonia, like Snow-White in the fairy tale, was still `fairest of them all.’

Being a senior now, I got away from school early.  Sometimes I overtook the girls downtown and coaxed them into the ice-cream parlour, where they would sit chattering and laughing, telling me all the news from the country.

I remember how angry Tiny Soderball made me one afternoon.  She declared she had heard grandmother was going to make a Baptist preacher of me. `I guess you’ll have to stop dancing and wear a white necktie then.  Won’t he look funny, girls?’

Lena laughed. `You’ll have to hurry up, Jim.  If you’re going to be a preacher, I want you to marry me.  You must promise to marry us all, and then baptize the babies.’

Norwegian Anna, always dignified, looked at her reprovingly.

`Baptists don’t believe in christening babies, do they, Jim?’

I told her I didn’t know what they believed, and didn’t care, and that I certainly wasn’t going to be a preacher.

`That’s too bad,’ Tiny simpered.  She was in a teasing mood. `You’d make such a good one.  You’re so studious.  Maybe you’d like to be a professor.  You used to teach Tony, didn’t you?’

Antonia broke in. `I’ve set my heart on Jim being a doctor.  You’d be good with sick people, Jim.  Your grandmother’s trained you up so nice.  My papa always said you were an awful smart boy.’

I said I was going to be whatever I pleased. `Won’t you be surprised, Miss Tiny, if I turn out to be a regular devil of a fellow?’

They laughed until a glance from Norwegian Anna checked them; the high-school principal had just come into the front part of the shop to buy bread for supper.  Anna knew the whisper was going about that I was a sly one.  People said there must be something queer about a boy who showed no interest in girls of his own age, but who could be lively enough when he was with Tony and Lena or the three Marys.

The enthusiasm for the dance, which the Vannis had kindled, did not at once die out.  After the tent left town, the Euchre Club became the Owl Club, and gave dances in the Masonic Hall once a week.  I was invited to join, but declined.  I was moody and restless that winter, and tired of the people I saw every day.  Charley Harling was already at Annapolis, while I was still sitting in Black Hawk, answering to my name at roll-call every morning, rising from my desk at the sound of a bell and marching out like the grammar-school children.  Mrs. Harling was a little cool toward me, because I continued to champion Antonia.  What was there for me to do after supper?  Usually I had learned next day’s lessons by the time I left the school building, and I couldn’t sit still and read forever.

In the evening I used to prowl about, hunting for diversion.  There lay the familiar streets, frozen with snow or liquid with mud.  They led to the houses of good people who were putting the babies to bed, or simply sitting still before the parlour stove, digesting their supper.  Black Hawk had two saloons.  One of them was admitted, even by the church people, to be as respectable as a saloon could be.  Handsome Anton Jelinek, who had rented his homestead and come to town, was the proprietor.  In his saloon there were long tables where the Bohemian and German farmers could eat the lunches they brought from home while they drank their beer.  Jelinek kept rye bread on hand and smoked fish and strong imported cheeses to please the foreign palate.  I liked to drop into his bar-room and listen to the talk.  But one day he overtook me on the street and clapped me on the shoulder.

`Jim,’ he said, `I am good friends with you and I always like to see you.  But you know how the church people think about saloons.  Your grandpa has always treated me fine, and I don’t like to have you come into my place, because I know he don’t like it, and it puts me in bad with him.’

So I was shut out of that.

One could hang about the drugstore; and listen to the old men who sat there every evening, talking politics and telling raw stories.  One could go to the cigar factory and chat with the old German who raised canaries for sale, and look at his stuffed birds.  But whatever you began with him, the talk went back to taxidermy.  There was the depot, of course; I often went down to see the night train come in, and afterward sat awhile with the disconsolate telegrapher who was always hoping to be transferred to Omaha or Denver, `where there was some life.’  He was sure to bring out his pictures of actresses and dancers.  He got them with cigarette coupons, and nearly smoked himself to death to possess these desired forms and faces.  For a change, one could talk to the station agent; but he was another malcontent; spent all his spare time writing letters to officials requesting a transfer.  He wanted to get back to Wyoming where he could go trout-fishing on Sundays.  He used to say `there was nothing in life for him but trout streams, ever since he’d lost his twins.’

These were the distractions I had to choose from.  There were no other lights burning downtown after nine o’clock.  On starlight nights I used to pace up and down those long, cold streets, scowling at the little, sleeping houses on either side, with their storm-windows and covered back porches.  They were flimsy shelters, most of them poorly built of light wood, with spindle porch-posts horribly mutilated by the turning-lathe.  Yet for all their frailness, how much jealousy and envy and unhappiness some of them managed to contain!  The life that went on in them seemed to me made up of evasions and negations; shifts to save cooking, to save washing and cleaning, devices to propitiate the tongue of gossip.  This guarded mode of existence was like living under a tyranny.  People’s speech, their voices, their very glances, became furtive and repressed.  Every individual taste, every natural appetite, was bridled by caution.  The people asleep in those houses, I thought, tried to live like the mice in their own kitchens; to make no noise, to leave no trace, to slip over the surface of things in the dark.  The growing piles of ashes and cinders in the back yards were the only evidence that the wasteful, consuming process of life went on at all.  On Tuesday nights the Owl Club danced; then there was a little stir in the streets, and here and there one could see a lighted window until midnight.  But the next night all was dark again.

After I refused to join `the Owls,’ as they were called, I made a bold resolve to go to the Saturday night dances at Firemen’s Hall.  I knew it would be useless to acquaint my elders with any such plan.  Grandfather didn’t approve of dancing, anyway; he would only say that if I wanted to dance I could go to the Masonic Hall, among `the people we knew.’  It was just my point that I saw altogether too much of the people we knew.

My bedroom was on the ground floor, and as I studied there, I had a stove in it.  I used to retire to my room early on Saturday night, change my shirt and collar and put on my Sunday coat.  I waited until all was quiet and the old people were asleep, then raised my window, climbed out, and went softly through the yard.  The first time I deceived my grandparents I felt rather shabby, perhaps even the second time, but I soon ceased to think about it.

The dance at the Firemen’s Hall was the one thing I looked forward to all the week.  There I met the same people I used to see at the Vannis’ tent.  Sometimes there were Bohemians from Wilber, or German boys who came down on the afternoon freight from Bismarck.  Tony and Lena and Tiny were always there, and the three Bohemian Marys, and the Danish laundry girls.

The four Danish girls lived with the laundryman and his wife in their house behind the laundry, with a big garden where the clothes were hung out to dry.  The laundryman was a kind, wise old fellow, who paid his girls well, looked out for them, and gave them a good home.  He told me once that his own daughter died just as she was getting old enough to help her mother, and that he had been `trying to make up for it ever since.’  On summer afternoons he used to sit for hours on the sidewalk in front of his laundry, his newspaper lying on his knee, watching his girls through the big open window while they ironed and talked in Danish.  The clouds of white dust that blew up the street, the gusts of hot wind that withered his vegetable garden, never disturbed his calm.  His droll expression seemed to say that he had found the secret of contentment.  Morning and evening he drove about in his spring wagon, distributing freshly ironed clothes, and collecting bags of linen that cried out for his suds and sunny drying-lines.  His girls never looked so pretty at the dances as they did standing by the ironing-board, or over the tubs, washing the fine pieces, their white arms and throats bare, their cheeks bright as the brightest wild roses, their gold hair moist with the steam or the heat and curling in little damp spirals about their ears.  They had not learned much English, and were not so ambitious as Tony or Lena; but they were kind, simple girls and they were always happy.  When one danced with them, one smelled their clean, freshly ironed clothes that had been put away with rosemary leaves from Mr. Jensen’s garden.

There were never girls enough to go round at those dances, but everyone wanted a turn with Tony and Lena.

Lena moved without exertion, rather indolently, and her hand often accented the rhythm softly on her partner’s shoulder.  She smiled if one spoke to her, but seldom answered.  The music seemed to put her into a soft, waking dream, and her violet-coloured eyes looked sleepily and confidingly at one from under her long lashes.  When she sighed she exhaled a heavy perfume of sachet powder.  To dance `Home, Sweet Home,’ with Lena was like coming in with the tide.  She danced every dance like a waltz, and it was always the same waltz—­the waltz of coming home to something, of inevitable, fated return.  After a while one got restless under it, as one does under the heat of a soft, sultry summer day.

When you spun out into the floor with Tony, you didn’t return to anything.  You set out every time upon a new adventure.  I liked to schottische with her; she had so much spring and variety, and was always putting in new steps and slides.  She taught me to dance against and around the hard-and-fast beat of the music.  If, instead of going to the end of the railroad, old Mr. Shimerda had stayed in New York and picked up a living with his fiddle, how different Antonia’s life might have been!

Antonia often went to the dances with Larry Donovan, a passenger conductor who was a kind of professional ladies’ man, as we said.  I remember how admiringly all the boys looked at her the night she first wore her velveteen dress, made like Mrs. Gardener’s black velvet.  She was lovely to see, with her eyes shining, and her lips always a little parted when she danced.  That constant, dark colour in her cheeks never changed.

One evening when Donovan was out on his run, Antonia came to the hall with Norwegian Anna and her young man, and that night I took her home.  When we were in the Cutters’ yard, sheltered by the evergreens, I told her she must kiss me good night.

`Why, sure, Jim.’  A moment later she drew her face away and whispered indignantly, `Why, Jim!  You know you ain’t right to kiss me like that.  I’ll tell your grandmother on you!’

`Lena Lingard lets me kiss her,’ I retorted, `and I’m not half as fond of her as I am of you.’

`Lena does?’ Tony gasped. `If she’s up to any of her nonsense with you, I’ll scratch her eyes out!’ She took my arm again and we walked out of the gate and up and down the sidewalk. `Now, don’t you go and be a fool like some of these town boys.  You’re not going to sit around here and whittle store-boxes and tell stories all your life.  You are going away to school and make something of yourself.  I’m just awful proud of you.  You won’t go and get mixed up with the Swedes, will you?’

`I don’t care anything about any of them but you,’ I said. `And you’ll always treat me like a kid, suppose.’

She laughed and threw her arms around me. `I expect I will, but you’re a kid I’m awful fond of, anyhow!  You can like me all you want to, but if I see you hanging round with Lena much, I’ll go to your grandmother, as sure as your name’s Jim Burden!  Lena’s all right, only—­well, you know yourself she’s soft that way.  She can’t help it.  It’s natural to her.’

If she was proud of me, I was so proud of her that I carried my head high as I emerged from the dark cedars and shut the Cutters’ gate softly behind me.  Her warm, sweet face, her kind arms, and the true heart in her; she was, oh, she was still my Antonia!  I looked with contempt at the dark, silent little houses about me as I walked home, and thought of the stupid young men who were asleep in some of them.  I knew where the real women were, though I was only a boy; and I would not be afraid of them, either!

I hated to enter the still house when I went home from the dances, and it was long before I could get to sleep.  Toward morning I used to have pleasant dreams:  sometimes Tony and I were out in the country, sliding down straw-stacks as we used to do; climbing up the yellow mountains over and over, and slipping down the smooth sides into soft piles of chaff.

One dream I dreamed a great many times, and it was always the same.  I was in a harvest-field full of shocks, and I was lying against one of them.  Lena Lingard came across the stubble barefoot, in a short skirt, with a curved reaping-hook in her hand, and she was flushed like the dawn, with a kind of luminous rosiness all about her.  She sat down beside me, turned to me with a soft sigh and said, `Now they are all gone, and I can kiss you as much as I like.’

I used to wish I could have this flattering dream about Antonia, but I never did.