CHAPTER IX:  THE RISE OF THE EMPIRE 1805-1810

“What next?” asked Fouche, the morning after the coronation, as he entered the Emperor’s cabinet.

“Breakfast,” returned Bonaparte, laconically; “what did you suppose?  You didn’t think I was going swimming in the Seine, did you?”

“I never think,” retorted Fouche.

“That’s evident,” said Napoleon.  “Is the arch-treasurer of my empire up yet?  The Empress is going shopping, and wants an appropriation.”

“He is, Your Majesty,” said Fouche, looking at his memorandum-book.  “He rose at 7:30, dressed as usual, parted his hair on the left-hand side, and breakfasted at eight.  At 8:15 he read the Moniteur, and sneezed twice while perusing the second column of the fourth page—­”

“What is the meaning of these petty details?” cried the Emperor, impatiently.

“I merely wished to show Your Majesty that as the Sherlock Holmes of this administration I am doing my duty.  There isn’t a man in France who is not being shadowed in your behalf,” returned the minister of police.

The Emperor looked out of the window; then, turning to Fouche, he said, the stern, impatient look fading into softness, “Pardon my irritability, Fouche.  You are a genius, and I appreciate you, though I may not always show it.  I didn’t sleep well last night, and in consequence I am not unduly amiable this morning.”

“Your Majesty is not ill, I trust?” said Fouche, with a show of anxiety.

“No,” replied the Emperor.  “The fact is, old man, I—­ah—­I forgot to take the crown off when I went to bed.”

Thus began that wonderful reign which forms so many dazzling pages in modern history.  Bonaparte’s first act after providing lucrative positions for his family was to write another letter, couched in language of a most fraternal nature, to the King of England, asking for peace.

“Dear Cousin George,” he wrote, “you have probably read in the newspapers by this time that I’m working under a new alias, and I hope you will like it as well as I do.  It’s great fun, but there is one feature of it all that I don’t like.  I hate to be fighting with my new cousins all the time, and particularly with you whom I have always loved deeply, though secretly.  Now, my dear George, let me ask you what’s the use of a prolonged fight?  You’ve waxed fat in ten years, and so have I. We’ve painted the earth red between us.  Why can’t we be satisfied?  Why should our relations continue to be strained?  I’ve got some personal relations I’d like to have strained, but I can attend to them myself.  Let us have peace.  I don’t want too big a piece.  Give me enough, and you can have the rest.  Let us restore the entente cordiale and go about our business without any further scrapping.  ‘Let dogs delight to bark and bite,’ as your illustrious poet hath it, ’for ‘tis their nature to.’  As for us, the earth is large enough for both.  You take the Western Hemisphere and I’ll keep this.  Russia and the others can have what remains.

Yours truly,
Napoleon,
Emperor of the French.

“P.S.—­I enclose a stamped and directed envelope for a reply, and if I don’t get it inside of two weeks I’ll come over and smoke you out.”

To this peace-seeking communication England, through her ministers, replied to the effect that she wanted peace as much as France did, but that she could not enter into it without the consent of Russia.

“That settles it,” said Napoleon.  “It’s to be war.  I’m willing to divide creation with England, but two’s company and three’s a crowd, and the Russian Bear must keep his paws off.  I will go to Italy, Bourrienne, collect a few more thrones, and then we’ll get to work on a new map of Europe.  Russia never did look well or graceful on the existing maps.  It makes the continent look lop-sided, and Germany and Austria need trimming down a bit.  I propose to shove Russia over into Asia, annex Germany and Austria to France, drop Turkey into the Bosporus, and tow England farther north and hitch her on to the north pole.  Wire the Italians to get out their iron crown and dust it off.  I’ll take a run down to Milan, in May, and give my coronation performance there.  Such a good show as that of December 2nd ought to be taken on the road.”

The latter part of this plan was fulfilled to the letter, and on the 20th of May, 1805, Bonaparte and Josephine were crowned King and Queen of Italy at Milan.

“Now, my dear,” said Bonaparte, after the ceremony, “hereafter we must drop the first person singular I and assume the dignity of the editorial we.  Emperors and editors alike are entitled to the distinction.  It’s a sign of plurality which is often quite as effective as a majority.  Furthermore, you and We can do it logically, for we are several persons all at once, what with the assortment of thrones that we have acquired in the second-hand shops of the earth, all of which must be sat on.”

Crowned King of Italy, leaving Eugene de Beauharnais as Viceroy at Milan, Napoleon returned to Paris.

“Now that We have replenished our stock of crowns,” he said to his generals, “We will make a tour of Germany.  We’ve always had a great desire to visit Berlin, and now’s our imperial chance.  Tell the arch-treasurer to telephone Frederick to reserve his best palace for our occupancy.”

Then began a series of war-clouds which kept the European correspondents of the American Sunday newspapers in a state of anxious turmoil for years.  In our own time a single war-cloud is enough to drive a capable correspondent to the verge of desperation, but when we consider that Bonaparte was letting loose the clouds of war in all sections of Europe simultaneously, it is easy to understand how it has come about that we of to-day, who study history in the daily press, have the most vague ideas as to the motives of the quarrelling potentates at the beginning of this century.

For instance, after starting for Berlin, Bonaparte makes a diversion at Ulm, and ends for the moment by capturing Vienna and taking up his abode in the castle of Schonbrunn, the home of the Austrian Caesars.  Then the scene of activity is transferred to Cape Trafalgar, where Nelson routs the French fleet, and Bonaparte is for an instant discomfited, but above which he rises superior.

“If We had been there ourself We’d have felt worse about it,” he said.  “But We were not, and therefore it is none of our funeral—­ and, after all, what has it accomplished?  The hoard of aldermen of London have named a square in London after the cape, and stuck up a monument to Nelson in the middle of it, which is the rendezvous of all the strikers and socialists of England.  Some day We’ll go over to Trafalgar Square ourself and put a new face on that statue, and it will bear some resemblance to us, unless We are mistaken.  When We get back to Paris, likewise, We will issue an imperial decree ordering a new navy for these capable admirals of ours more suited to their abilities, and M. Villeneuve shall have his choice between a camel and a gravy-boat for his flag-ship.”

Nevertheless, the Emperor realized that his prestige had received a blow which it was necessary to retrieve.

“Paris doesn’t like it,” wrote Fouche, “and the general sentiment seems to be that your show isn’t what it used to be.  You need a victory just about now, and if you could manage to lose a leg on the field of battle it would strengthen your standing with your subjects.”

“Good Fouche,” murmured the Emperor to himself as he read the despatch.  “You are indeed watchful of our interests.  It shall be done as you suggest, even if it costs a leg.  We will engage the Russians at Austerlitz.”

On the 2d of December this battle of the Emperors was fought, and resulted in a most glorious victory for the French arms.

“We scored seven touch-downs in the first five minutes, and at the end of the first half were ten goals to the good,” said Bonaparte, writing home to Josephine, “and all without my touching the ball.  The Emperor of Germany and the excessively smart Alexander of Russia sat on dead-head hill and watched the game with interest, but in spite of my repeated efforts to get them to do so, were utterly unwilling to cover my bets on the final result.  The second half opened brilliantly.  Murat made a flying wedge with our centre-rush, threw himself impetuously upon Kutusoff, the Russian half-back, pushed the enemy back beyond the goal posts, and the game was practically over.  The emperors on dead-head hill gave it up then and there, and the championship of 1805 is ours.  We understand England disputes this, but we are willing to play them on neutral ground at any time.  They can beat us in aquatic sports, but given a good, hard, real-estate field, we can do them up whether Wellington plays or not.”

“It was a glorious victory,” wrote Fouche to the Emperor, “and it has had a great effect on Paris.  You are called the Hinkey of your time, but I still think you erred in not losing that leg.  Can’t you work in another coronation somewhere?  You haven’t acquired a new throne in over six months, and the people are beginning to murmur.”

Bonaparte’s reply was immediate.

“Am too busy to go throne-hunting.  Send my brother Joseph down to Naples as my agent.  There’s a crown there.  Let him put it on, and tell Paris that he is my proxy.  Joseph may not want to go because of the cholera scare, but tell him We wish it, and if he still demurs whisper the word ‘Alp’ in his ear.  He’ll go when he hears that word, particularly if you say it in that short, sharp, and decisive manner to which it so readily lends itself.”

These instructions were carried out, and Paris was for the time being satisfied; but to clinch matters, as it were, the Emperor went still further, and married Eugene de Beauharnais to the daughter of the King of Bavaria, conferred a few choice principalities upon his sister Eliza, and, sending for Prince Borghese, one of the most aristocratic gentlemen of Italy, gave him in marriage to his sister Pauline.

“We’re getting into good society by degrees,” wrote the Emperor to the Empress, “and now that you are the mother-in-law of a real prince, kindly see that your manner is imperious to the extreme degree, and stop serving pie at state banquets.”

The succeeding two years were but repetitions of the first year of the Empire.  Bonaparte proceeded from one victory to another.  Prussia was humbled.  The French Emperor occupied Berlin, and, as he had done in Italy, levied upon the art treasures of that city for the enrichment of Paris.

“We’ll have quite a Salon if we go on,” said Bonaparte.

“Anybody’d think you were getting up a corner in oil,” said Frederick, ruefully, as he watched the packers at work boxing his most treasured paintings for shipment.

“We am getting up a corner in all things,” retorted Bonaparte.  “Paris will soon be the Boston of Europe—­it will be the Hub of the Universe.”

“You might leave me something,” said the Prussian king.  “I haven’t an old master left.”

“Well, never mind,” said Napoleon, soothingly.  “We’ll be a young master to you.  Now go to bed, like a good fellow, and take a good rest.  There’s a delegation of Poles waiting for me outside.  They think We am going to erect a telegraph system to Russia, and they want employment.”

“As operators?” asked Frederick, sadly.

“No, stupid,” returned Napoleon, “as Poles.”

The Prussian left the room in tears.  To his great regret policy compelled Bonaparte to decline the petition of the Polanders to be allowed to rehabilitate themselves as a nation.  As we have seen, he was a man of peace, and many miles away from home at that, and hence had no desire to further exasperate Russia by meddling in an affair so close to the Czar’s heart.  This diplomatic foresight resulted in the Peace of Tilsit.  The Czar, appreciating Bonaparte’s delicacy in the matter of Poland, was quite won over, and consented to an interview by means of which a basis might be reached upon which all might rest from warfare.  Tilsit was chosen as the place of meeting, and fearing lest they might be interrupted by reporters, the two emperors decided to hold their conference upon a raft anchored in the middle of the river Niemen.  It must be remembered that tugs had not been invented at this time, so that the raft was comparatively safe from those “Boswells of the news,” as reporters have been called.  Fouche was very anxious about this decision however.

“Look out for yourself, my dear Emperor,” he wrote.  “Wear a cork suit, or insist that the raft shall be plentifully supplied with life-preservers.  Those Eastern emperors would like nothing better than to have you founder in the Niemen.”

“We are not afraid,” Napoleon replied.  “If the craft sinks We shall swim ashore on Alexander’s back.”  Nevertheless, all other historians to the contrary, Bonaparte did wear a cork suit beneath his uniform.  We have this on the authority of the nephew of the valet of the late Napoleon III., who had access to the private papers of this wonderful family.

Nothing disastrous occurred upon this occasion in spite of the temptation thrown in Alexander’s way to sink the raft and thus rid the world of a dangerous rival to his supremacy.  The conference resulted in a treaty of peace, concluded on the 7th of July, 1807, and by it a few more thrones were added to the Bonaparte collection.  Jerome, who had been trying to make a living as a music teacher in America, having been divorced from his American wife and married to another, was made King of Westphalia.

“Having made a failure in the West, my dear brother,” said Bonaparte, “what could be more appropriate?”

Louis was made King of Holland, and Joseph’s kingship of Naples was fully recognized, and, further, Bonaparte was enabled to return to Paris and show himself to the citizens of that fickle city, who were getting restive under Josephine’s rule.

“They like Josephine well enough,” wrote Fouche, “but the men prefer to have you here.  The fact that things run smoothly under a woman’s rule is giving the female suffragists a great boom, and the men say that domestic life is being ruined.  Cooks are scarce, having deserted the kitchen for the primaries, and altogether the outlook is effeminate.  Therefore, come back as soon as you can, for if you don’t the first thing we know the women will be voting, and you’ll find you’ll have to give up your seat to a lady.”

The Emperor’s return to Paris was marked by great rejoicing, particularly by the large number of hatters and laundresses and stable-boys whom he had in the meantime paid for their early services by making them dukes and duchesses.  The court was magnificent, and entirely new.  No second-hand nobles were allowed within the sacred circle, and the result was one of extreme splendor.  In a small way, to maintain the interest which he had inspired, as well as to keep up the discipline of his army, a few conquests, including those of Spain and Portugal, were indulged in.  Joseph was removed from a comfortable, warm throne at Naples and made King of Spain, and Murat was substituted for him at Naples.  The Emperor’s elder brother did not like the change, but submitted as gracefully as ever.

“Naples was extremely comfortable,” he said, “but this Madrid position is not at all to my taste.  I prefer macaroni to garlic, and I cannot endure these Carmencita dances—­they remind me too much of the green-apple season in the old Corsican days.  However, what my brother wills I do, merely from force of habit—­not that I fear him or consider myself bound to obey him, mind you, but because I am averse to family differences.  One must yield, and I have always been the self-sacrificing member of the family.  He’s put me here, and I hope to remain.”

This promotion of Joseph was a misstep for one who desired peace, and Bonaparte soon found another war with Austria on the tapis because of it.  Emperor Francis Joseph, jealous perhaps of the copyright on his name, declined to recognize King Joseph of Spain.  Whereupon Bonaparte again set out for Austria, where, on the 6th of July, 1809, Austria having recognized the strength of Bonaparte’s arguments, backed up, as they were, by an overwhelming force of men, each worthy of a marshal’s baton, and all confident, under the new regime, of some day securing it, an armistice was agreed upon, and on the 14th of October a treaty satisfactory to France was signed.

“If I have to come back again, my dear Emperor Joseph,” Bonaparte said, as he set out for Paris, “it will be for the purpose of giving you a new position, which you may not like so well as the neat and rather gaudy sinecure you now hold.”

“Which is—?” added the Austrian.

“I’ll bring you a snow-shovel and set you to clearing off the steps.”

“What steps?” queried the Austrian anxiously.

“The back-steppes of Russia,” replied Napoleon, sternly.  “The only thing that keeps me from doing it now is that I—­ah—­I hate to do anything unkind to the father of—­ah—­your daughter Marie-Louise, whom I met at the dance last night, and who, between you and me, looks remarkably like the only woman I ever loved.”