CHAPTER VIII:  THE ALPS—­THE EMPIRE—­THE CORONATION 1800-1804

“Observe,” said Bonaparte, now that he was seated on the consular throne, “that one of my biographers states that, under a man of ordinary vigor this new Constitution of Sieyes and another our government would be free and popular, but that under myself it has become an unlimited monarchy.  That man is right.  I am now a potentate of the most potent kind.  I got a letter from the Bourbons last night requesting me to restore them to the throne.  Two years ago they wouldn’t have given me their autographs for my collection, but now they want me to get up from my seat in this car of state and let them sit down.”

“And you replied—?” asked Josephine.

“That I didn’t care for Bourbon—­rye suits me better,” laughed the Consul, “unless I can get Scotch, which I prefer at all times.  Feeling this way, I cannot permit Louis to come back yet awhile.  Meantime, in the hope of replenishing our cellars with a few bottles of Glenlivet, I will write a letter of pacification to George III., one of the most gorgeous rex in Madame Tussaud’s collection of living potentates.”

This Bonaparte did, asking the English king if he hadn’t had enough war for the present.  George, through the eyes of his ministers, perceived Bonaparte’s point, and replied that he was very desirous for peace himself, but that at present the market seemed to be cornered, and that therefore the war must go on.  This reply amused Napoleon.

“It suits me to the ground,” he said, addressing Talleyrand.  “A year of peace would interfere materially with my future.  If Paris were Philadelphia, it would be another thing.  There one may rest—­there is no popular demand for excitement—­Penn was mightier than the sword—­but here one has to be in a broil constantly; to be a chef one must be eternally cooking, and the results must be of the kind that requires extra editions of the evening papers.  The day the newsboys stop shouting my name, my sun will set for the last time.  Even now the populace are murmuring, for nothing startling has occurred this week, which reminds me, I wish to see Fouche.  Send him here.”

Talleyrand sent for the Minister of Police, who responded to the summons.

“Fouche,” said Bonaparte, sternly, “what are we here for, salary or glory?”

“Glory, General.”

“Precisely.  Now, as head of the Police Department, are you aware that no attempt to assassinate me has been made for two weeks?”

“Yes, General, but—­”

“Has the assassin appropriation run out?  Have the assassins struck for higher wages, or are you simply careless?” demanded the First Consul.  “I warn you, sir, that I wish no excuses, and I will add that unless an attempt is made on my life before ten o’clock to-night, you lose your place.  The French people must be kept interested in this performance, and how the deuce it is to be done without advertising I don’t know.  Go, and remember that I shall be at home to assassins on Thursdays of alternate weeks until further notice.”

“Your Consulship’s wishes shall be respected,” said Fouche, with a low bow.  “But I must say one word in my own behalf.  You were to have had a dynamite bomb thrown at you yesterday by one of my employes, but the brave fellow who was to have stood between you and death disappointed me.  He failed to turn up at the appointed hour, and so, of course, the assault didn’t come off.”

“Couldn’t you find a substitute?” demanded Bonaparte.

“I could not,” said Fouche.  “There aren’t many persons in Paris who care for that kind of employment.  They’d rather shovel snow.”

“You are a gay stage-manager, you are!” snapped Bonaparte.  “My brother Joseph is in town, and yet you say you couldn’t find a man to be hit by a bomb.  Leave me, Fouche.  You give me the ennuis.”

Fouche departed with Talleyrand, to whom he expressed his indignation at the First Consul’s reprimand.

“He insists upon an attempted assassination every week,” he said; “and I tell you, Talleyrand, it isn’t easy to get these things up.  The market is long on real assassins, fellows who’d kill him for the mere fun of hearing his last words, but when it comes to playing to the galleries with a mock attempt with real consequences to the would-be murderers, they fight shy of it.”

Nevertheless, Fouche learned from the interview with Bonaparte that the First Consul was not to be trifled with, and hardly a day passed without some exciting episode in this line, in which, of course, Napoleon always came out unscathed and much endeared to the populace.  This, however, could not go on forever.  The fickle French soon wearied of the series of unsuccessful attempts on the Consul’s life, and some began to suspect the true state of affairs.

“They’re on to our scheme, General,” said Fouche, after a while.  “You’ve got to do something new.”

“What would you suggest?” asked Napoleon, wearily.

“Can’t you write a book of poems, or a three-volume novel?” suggested Talleyrand.

“Or resign, and let Sieyes run things for a while?” said Fouche.  “If they had another Consul for a few months, they’d appreciate what a vaudeville show they lost in you.”

“I’d rather cross the Alps,” said Bonaparte.  “I don’t like to resign.  Moving is such a nuisance, and I must say I find the Tuileries a very pleasant place of abode.  It’s more fun than you can imagine rummaging through the late king’s old bureau-drawers.  Suppose I get up a new army and lead it over the Alps.”

“Just the thing,” said Talleyrand.  “Only it will be a very snowy trip.”

“I’m used to snow-balls,” said Napoleon, his mind reverting to the episode which brought his career at Brienne to a close.  “Just order an army and a mule and I’ll set out.  Meanwhile, Fouche, see that the Bourbons have a conspiracy to be unearthed in time for the Sunday newspapers every week during my absence.  I think it would be well, too, to keep a war-correspondent at work in your office night and day, writing despatches about my progress.  Give him a good book on Hannibal’s trip to study, and let him fill in a column or two every day with anecdotes about myself, and at convenient intervals unsuccessful attempts to assassinate Josephine may come in handy.  Let it be rumored often that I have been overwhelmed by an avalanche—in short, keep the interest up.”

So it was that Bonaparte set out upon his perilous expedition over the Great St. Bernard.  On the 15th day of May, 1800, the task of starting the army in motion was begun, and on the 18th every column was in full swing.  Lannes, with an advance guard armed with snow-shovels, took the lead, and Bonaparte, commanding the rear guard of 35,000 men and the artillery, followed.

“Soldiers!” he cried, as they came near to the snow-bound heights, “we cannot have our plum-cake without its frosting.  Like children, we will have the frosting first and the cake later.  Lannes and his followers have not cleaned the snow off as thoroughly as I had hoped, but I fancy he has done the best he can, and it is not for us to complain.  Let us on.  The up-trip will be cold and tedious, but once on the summit of yonder icy ridge we can seat ourselves comfortably on our guns and slide down into the lovely valleys on the other side like a band of merry school-boys on toboggans.  Above all, do not forget the chief duty of a soldier in times of peril.  In spite of the snow and the ice, in spite of the blizzard and the sleet, keep cool; and, furthermore, remember that in this climate, if your ears don’t hurt, it’s a sign they are freezing.  En avant!  Nous sommes le peuple.”

The army readily responded to such hopeful words, and as Bonaparte manifested quite as much willingness to walk as the meanest soldier, disdaining to ride, except occasionally, and even then on the back of a mule, he became their idol.

“He does not spare himself any more than he does us,” said one of his soldiers, “and he can pack a snow-ball with the best of us.”

The General catered, too, to the amusement of his troops, and the brasses of the band broke the icy stillness of the great hills continually.

“Music’s the thing,” he cried, many years later, “and when we got to the top we had the most original roof-garden you ever saw.  It was most inspiring, and the only thing that worried me at all was as to how Fouche was conducting our anecdote and assassination enterprise at home.  Once on top of the Alps, the descent was easy.  We simply lay down on our arms and slid.  Down the mountain-side we thundered, and the Austrians, when they observed our impetus, gave way before us, and the first thing I knew I skated slam-bang into the Empire.  Our avalanchian descent subjugated Italy; frightened the Englishmen to Alexandria, where, in the absence of a well-organized force, they managed to triumph; scared the Pope so thoroughly that he was willing to sign anything I wished; and, best of all, after a few petty delays, convinced the French people that I was too big a man for a mere consulship.  It was my chamois-like agility in getting down the Alps that really made me Emperor.  As for the army, it fought nobly.  It was so thoroughly chilled by the Alpine venture that it fought desperately to get warm.  My grenadiers, congealed to their very souls, went where the fire was hottest.  They seized bomb-shells while they were yet in the air, warmed their hands upon them, and then threw them back into the enemy’s camp, where they exploded with great carnage.  They did not even know when they were killed, so benumbed by the cold had they become.  In short, those days on the Alps made us invincible.  No wonder, then, that in 1804, when I got permanently back to Paris, I found the people ready for an emperor!  They were bloody years, those from 1800 to 1804, but it was not entirely my fault.  I shed very little myself, but the English and the Austrians and the royalist followers would have it so, and I had to accommodate them.  I did not wish to execute the Duc d’Enghien, but he would interfere with Fouche by getting up conspiracies on his own account, when I had given the conspiracy contract to one of my own ministers.  The poor fellow had to die.  It was a case of no die, no Empire, and I thought it best for the French people that they should have an Empire.”

Those who criticise Bonaparte’s acts in these years should consider these words, and remember that the great warrior in no case did any of the killing himself.

It was on the 18th of May, 1804, that the Empire was proclaimed and Napoleon assumed his new title amid great rejoicing.

“Now for the coronation,” he said.  “This thing must go off in style, Fouche.  Whom shall I have to crown me?”

“Well,” said Fouche, “if you are after a sensation, I’d send for Louis de Bourbon; if you want it to go off easily, I’d send for your old hatter in the Rue de Victoire; if you want to give it a ceremonial touch, I’d send for the Pope, but, on the whole, I rather think I’d do it myself.  You picked it up yourself, why not put it on your own head?”

“Good idea,” returned Bonaparte.  “And highly original.  You may increase your salary a hundred francs a week, Fouche.  I’ll crown myself, but I think it ought to come as a surprise, don’t you?”

“Yes,” said Fouche.  “That is, if you can surprise the French people—which I doubt.  If you walked into Notre Dame to-morrow on your hands, with the crown of France on one foot and the diadem of Italy on the other, the people wouldn’t be a bit surprised—­you’re always doing such things.”

“Nevertheless,” said Napoleon, “we’ll surprise them.  Send word to the Pope that I want to see him officially on December 2d at Notre Dame.  If he hesitates about coming, tell him I’ll walk over and bring him myself the first clear day we have.”

This plan was followed out to the letter, and the Pope, leaving Rome on the 5th of November, entered Paris to crown the Emperor and Empress of the French on December 2, 1804, as requested.  What subsequently followed the world knows.  Just as the Pope was about to place the imperial diadem on the brow of Bonaparte, the Emperor seized it and with his own hands placed it there.

“Excuse me, your Holiness,” he said, as he did so, “but the joke is on you.  This is my crown, and I think I’m a big enough man to hang it up where it belongs.”

Pius VII. was much chagrined, but, like the good man that he was, he did not show it, nor did he resent the Emperor’s second interference when it came to the crowning of Josephine.  The coronation over, Napoleon and Josephine turned to the splendid audience, and marched down the centre aisle to the door, where they entered a superb golden carriage in which, amid the plaudits of the people, they drove to the Tuileries.

“Ah—­at last!” said Bonaparte, as he entered the Palace.  “I have got there.  The thing to do now is to stay there.  Ah, me!” he added, with a sigh.  “These French—­these French! they are as fickle as the only woman I have ever loved.  By-the-way, Josephine, what was it you asked me on the way down the aisle?  The people howled so I couldn’t hear you.”

“I only asked you if”—­here the Empress hesitated.

“Well?  If what?” frowned the Emperor.

“If my crown was on straight,” returned Josephine.

“Madame,” said the Emperor, sternly, “when you are prompted to ask that question again, remember who gave you that crown, and when you remember that it was I, remember also that when I give anything to anybody I give it to them straight.”

Here the Emperor’s frown relaxed, and he burst out into laughter.

“But that was a bad break of the organist!” he said.

“Which was that?” asked Josephine.

“Why—­didn’t you notice when the Pope came in he played ’Tiara Boom-de-ay’?” said Bonaparte, with a roar.  “It was awful—­I shall have to send him a pourboire.”