Ghosts I Have Met and Some Others

So hopeless was my estate now become that, dreading more than ever that which the inscrutable future held for me, I sat down and framed an advertisement, which I contemplated putting in all the newspapers, weeklies, and monthly periodicals, offering a handsome reward for any suggestion which might result in ridding me of the cockney ghost.  The inventive mind of man has been able to cope successfully with rats and mice and other household pests.  Why, then, should there not be somewhere in the world a person of sufficient ingenuity to cope with an obnoxious spirit?  If rat -dynamite and rough on June-bugs were possible, why was it not likely that some as yet unknown person had turned his attention to spectrology, and evolved something in the nature of rough on ghosts, spectremelinite, or something else of an effective nature, I asked myself.  It seemed reasonable to suppose that out of the millions of people in the world there were others than Peters and myself who had made a study of ghosts and methods of exorcising them, and if these persons could only be reached I might yet escape.  Accordingly, I penned the advertisement about as follows: 

WANTED, by a young and rising author,
who is pursued by a vindictive spirit,

A GHOST CURE.

  A liberal reward will be paid to any wizard,

recognized or unrecognized, who will, before
February I, 1898, send to me a detailed statement
of a

GUARANTEED METHOD

of getting rid of

SPOOKS.

It is agreed that these communications shall be regarded as strictly confidential until such a time as through their medium the spirit is effectually

LAID,

after which time the cure will be exploited

FREE OF CHARGE

  in the best advertising mediums of the day.

To this I appended an assumed name and a temporary address, and was about to send it out, when my friend Wilkins, a millionaire student of electricity, living in Florida, invited me to spend my Christmas holidays with him on Lake Worth.

“I’ve got a grand scheme,” he wrote, “which I am going to test, and I’d like to have you present at the trial.  Come down, if you can, and see my new electric sailboat and all-around dynamic Lone Fisherman.”

The idea took hold of me at once.  In my nervous state the change of scene would do me good.  Besides, Wilkins was a delightful companion.

So, forgetting my woes for the moment, I packed my trunk and started South for Wilkins’s Island.  It was upon this trip that the vengeful spirit put in his first twist, for at Jacksonville I was awakened in the middle of the night by a person, whom I took to be the conductor, who told me to change cars.  This I did, and falling asleep in the car to which I had changed, waked up the next morning to find myself speeding across the peninsula instead of going downward towards the Keys, as I should have done, landing eventually at a small place called Homosassa, on the Gulf coast.

Of course it was not the conductor of the first train who, under cover of the darkness, had led me astray, but the pursuing spirit, as I found out when, bewildered, I sat upon the platform of the station at Homosassa, wondering how the deuce I had got there.  He turned up at that moment, and frankly gloated over the success of what he called shove the seventh, and twist the first.

“Nice place, this,” said he, with a nauseating smirk.  “So close to Lake Worth—­eh?  Only two days’ ride on the choo-choo, if you make connections, and when changing take the right trains.”

I pretended not to see him, and began to whistle the intermezzo from “Cavalleria Rusticana,” to show how little I cared.

“Good plan, old chap,” said he; “but it won’t work.  I know you are put out, in spite of the tunefulness of your soul.  But wait for my second twist.  You’ll wish you’d struck a cyclone instead when that turn comes.”

It was, as he suggested, at least two days before I was able to get to Wilkins at Lake Worth; but after I got there the sense of annoyance and the deep dejection into which I was plunged wore away, as well it might, for the test which I was invited to witness was most interesting.  The dynamic Lone Fisherman was wonderful enough, but the electric sail-boat was a marvel.  The former was very simple.  It consisted of a reel operated by electricity, which, the moment a blue-fish struck the skid at the end of the line, reeled the fish in, and flopped it into a basket as easily and as surely as you please; but the principle of the sailboat was new.

“I don’t need a breeze to sail anywhere,” said Wilkins, as he hauled up the mainsail, which flapped idly in the still air.  “For you see,” he added, touching a button alongside of the tiller, “this button sets that big electric fan in the stern revolving, and the result is an artificial breeze which distends the sail, and there you are.”

It was even as he said.  A huge fan with a dozen flanges in the stern began to revolve with wonderful rapidity; in an instant the sails bellied out, and the Horace J., as his boat was named, was speeding through the waters before the breeze thus created in record-breaking fashion.

“By Jove, Billie,” I said, “this is a dandy!”

“Isn’t it!” cried an old familiar voice at my elbow.

I turned as if stung.  The spirit was with me again, prepared, I doubted not, for his second twist.  I sprang from my seat, a sudden inspiration flashing upon me, jumped back of the revolving fan, and turning the full force of the wind it created upon my vindictive visitant, blew him fairly and squarely into the bulging sail.

“There, blast your cockney eyes!” I cried; “take that.”

He tried to retort, but without avail.  The wind that emanated from the fan fairly rammed his words back into his throat every time he opened his mouth to speak, and there he lay, flat against the canvas, fluttering like a leaf, powerless to escape.

“Hot air doesn’t affect you much, you transparent jackass!” I roared.  “Let me see how a stiff nor’easter suits your style of beauty.”

I will not bore the reader with any further details of the Lake Worth experience.  Suffice it to say that for five hours I kept the miserable thing a pneumatic prisoner in the concave surface of the sail.  Try as he would, he could not escape, and finally, when Wilkins and I went ashore for the night, and the cockney ghost was released, he vanished, using unutterable language, and an idea came to me, putting which into operation, I at last secured immunity from his persecutions.

Returning to New York three days later, I leased a small office in a fire-proof power building not far from Madison Square, fitted it up as if for my own use, and had placed in the concealment of a closet at its easterly end the largest electric fan I could get.  It was ten feet in diameter, and was provided with sixteen flanges.  When it was in motion not a thing could withstand the blast that came from it.  Tables, chairs, even a cut-glass inkstand weighing two pounds, were blown with a crash against the solid stone and iron construction back of the plaster of my walls.  And then I awaited his coming.

Suffice it to say that he came, sat down calmly and unsuspecting in the chair I had had made for his especial benefit, and then the moment he began to revile me I turned on the power, the fan began to revolve, the devastating wind rushed down upon him with a roar, pinned him to the wall like a butterfly on a cork, and he was at last my prisoner—­and he is my prisoner still.  For three weeks has that wheel been revolving night and day, and despite all his cunning he cannot creep beyond its blustering influence, nor shall he ever creep therefrom while I have six hundred dollars per annum to pay for the rent and cost of power necessary to keep the fan going.  Every once in a while I return and gloat over him; and I can tell by the movement of his lips that he is trying to curse me, but he cannot, for, even as Wilkins’s fan blew his words of remonstrance back into his throat, so does my wheel, twice as powerful, keep his torrent of invective from greeting my ear.

[Illustration:  “PINNED HIM TO THE WALL LIKE A BUTTERFLY ON A CORK”]

I should be happy to prove the truth of all this by showing any curious-minded reader the spectacle which gives me so much joy, but I fear to do so lest the owners of the building, discovering the uses to which their office has been put, shall require me to vacate the premises.

Of course he may ultimately escape, through some failure of the machine to operate, but it is guaranteed to run five years without a break, so for that period at least I am safe, and by that time it may be that he will be satisfied to call things square.  I shall be satisfied if he is.

Meanwhile, I devote my successful plan to the uses of all who may be troubled as I was, finding in their assumed gratitude a sufficient compensation for my ingenuity.