Elizabeth and Her German Garden

May 16th.—­The garden is the place I go to for refuge and shelter, not the house.  In the house are duties and annoyances, servants to exhort and admonish, furniture, and meals; but out there blessings crowd round me at every step—­ it is there that I am sorry for the unkindness in me, for those selfish thoughts that are so much worse than they feel; it is there that all my sins and silliness are forgiven, there that I feel protected and at home, and every flower and weed is a friend and every tree a lover.  When I have been vexed I run out to them for comfort, and when I have been angry without just cause, it is there that I find absolution.  Did ever a woman have so many friends?  And always the same, always ready to welcome me and fill me with cheerful thoughts.  Happy children of a common Father, why should I, their own sister, be less content and joyous than they?  Even in a thunder storm, when other people are running into the house, I run out of it.  I do not like thunder storms—­they frighten me for hours before they come, because I always feel them on the way; but it is odd that I should go for shelter to the garden.  I feel better there, more taken care of, more petted.  When it thunders, the April baby says, “There’s lieber Gott scolding those angels again.”  And once, when there was a storm in the night, she complained loudly, and wanted to know why lieber Gott didn’t do the scolding in the daytime, as she had been so tight asleep.  They all three speak a wonderful mixture of German and English, adulterating the purity of their native tongue by putting in English words in the middle of a German sentence.  It always reminds me of Justice tempered by Mercy.  We have been cowslipping to-day in a little wood dignified by the name of the Hirschwald, because it is the happy hunting-ground of innumerable deer who fight there in the autumn evenings, calling each other out to combat with bayings that ring through the silence and send agreeable shivers through the lonely listener.  I often walk there in September, late in the evening, and sitting on a fallen tree listen fascinated to their angry cries.

We made cowslip balls sitting on the grass.  The babies had never seen such things nor had imagined anything half so sweet.  The Hirschwald is a little open wood of silver birches and springy turf starred with flowers, and there is a tiny stream meandering amiably about it and decking itself in June with yellow flags.  I have dreams of having a little cottage built there, with the daisies up to the door, and no path of any sort—­ just big enough to hold myself and one baby inside and a purple clematis outside.  Two rooms—­a bedroom and a kitchen.  How scared we would be at night, and how completely happy by day!  I know the exact spot where it should stand, facing south-east, so that we should get all the cheerfulness of the morning, and close to the stream, so that we might wash our plates among the flags.  Sometimes, when in the mood for society, we would invite the remaining babies to tea and entertain them with wild strawberries on plates of horse-chestnut leaves; but no one less innocent and easily pleased than a baby would be permitted to darken the effulgence of our sunny cottage—­ indeed, I don’t suppose that anybody wiser would care to come.  Wise people want so many things before they can even begin to enjoy themselves, and I feel perpetually apologetic when with them, for only being able to offer them that which I love best myself—­ apologetic, and ashamed of being so easily contented.

The other day at a dinner party in the nearest town (it took us the whole afternoon to get there) the women after dinner were curious to know how I had endured the winter, cut off from everybody and snowed up sometimes for weeks.

“Ah, these husbands!” sighed an ample lady, lugubriously shaking her head; “they shut up their wives because it suits them, and don’t care what their sufferings are.”

Then the others sighed and shook their heads too, for the ample lady was a great local potentate, and one began to tell how another dreadful husband had brought his young wife into the country and had kept her there, concealing her beauty and accomplishments from the public in a most cruel manner, and how, after spending a certain number of years in alternately weeping and producing progeny, she had quite lately run away with somebody unspeakable—­I think it was the footman, or the baker, or some one of that sort.

“But I am quite happy,” I began, as soon as I could put in a word.

“Ah, a good little wife, making the best of it,” and the female potentate patted my hand, but continued gloomily to shake her head.

“You cannot possibly be happy in the winter entirely alone,” asserted another lady, the wife of a high military authority and not accustomed to be contradicted.

“But I am.”

“But how can you possibly be at your age?  No, it is not possible.”

“But I am.”

“Your husband ought to bring you to town in the winter.”

“But I don’t want to be brought to town.”

“And not let you waste your best years buried.” 
“But I like being buried.”

“Such solitude is not right.”

“But I’m not solitary.”

“And can come to no good.”  She was getting quite angry.

There was a chorus of No Indeeds at her last remark, and renewed shaking of heads.

“I enjoyed the winter immensely,” I persisted when they were a little quieter; “I sleighed and skated, and then there were the children, and shelves and shelves full of—­” I was going to say books, but stopped.  Reading is an occupation for men; for women it is reprehensible waste of time.  And how could I talk to them of the happiness I felt when the sun shone on the snow, or of the deep delight of hear-frost days?

“It is entirely my doing that we have come down here,”
I proceeded, “and my husband only did it to please me.”

“Such a good little wife,” repeated the patronising potentate, again patting my hand with an air of understanding all about it, “really an excellent little wife.  But you must not let your husband have his own way too much, my dear, and take my advice and insist on his bringing you to town next winter.”  And then they fell to talking about their cooks, having settled to their entire satisfaction that my fate was probably lying in wait for me too, lurking perhaps at that very moment behind the apparently harmless brass buttons of the man in the hall with my cloak.

I laughed on the way home, and I laughed again for sheer satisfaction when we reached the garden and drove between the quiet trees to the pretty old house; and when I went into the library, with its four windows open to the moonlight and the scent, and looked round at the familiar bookshelves, and could hear no sounds but sounds of peace, and knew that here I might read or dream or idle exactly as I chose with never a creature to disturb me, how grateful I felt to the kindly Fate that has brought me here and given me a heart to understand my own blessedness, and rescued me from a life like that I had just seen—­a life spent with the odours of other people’s dinners in one’s nostrils, and the noise of their wrangling servants in one’s ears, and parties and tattle for all amusement.

But I must confess to having felt sometimes quite crushed when some grand person, examining the details of my home through her eyeglass, and coolly dissecting all that I so much prize from the convenient distance of the open window, has finished up by expressing sympathy with my loneliness, and on my protesting that I like it, has murmured, “sebr anspruchslos.”  Then indeed I have felt ashamed of the fewness of my wants; but only for a moment, and only under the withering influence of the eyeglass; for, after all, the owner’s spirit is the same spirit as that which dwells in my servants—­girls whose one idea of happiness is to live in a town where there are others of their sort with whom to drink beer and dance on Sunday afternoons.  The passion for being for ever with one’s fellows, and the fear of being left for a few hours alone, is to me wholly incomprehensible.  I can entertain myself quite well for weeks together, hardly aware, except for the pervading peace, that I have been alone at all.  Not but what I like to have people staying with me for a few days, or even for a few weeks, should they be as anspruchslos as I am myself, and content with simple joys; only, any one who comes here and would be happy must have something in him; if he be a mere blank creature, empty of head and heart, he will very probably find it dull.  I should like my house to be often full if I could find people capable of enjoying themselves.  They should be welcomed and sped with equal heartiness; for truth compels me to confess that, though it pleases me to see them come, it pleases me just as much to see them go.

On some very specially divine days, like today, I have actually longed for some one else to be here to enjoy the beauty with me.  There has been rain in the night, and the whole garden seems to be singing—­not the untiring birds only, but the vigorous plants, the happy grass and trees, the lilac bushes—­oh, those lilac bushes!  They are all out to-day, and the garden is drenched with the scent.  I have brought in armfuls, the picking is such a delight, and every pot and bowl and tub in the house is filled with purple glory, and the servants think there is going to be a party and are extra nimble, and I go from room to room gazing at the sweetness, and the windows are all flung open so as to join the scent within to the scent without; and the servants gradually discover that there is no party, and wonder why the house should be filled with flowers for one woman by herself, and I long more and more for a kindred spirit—­ it seems so greedy to have so much loveliness to oneself—­but kindred spirits are so very, very rare; I might almost as well cry for the moon.  It is true that my garden is full of friends, only they are—­dumb.